Sitting in the broken

How can someone feel so sad, but so joyful at the same time? I've experienced painful, rather difficult things before--divorced parents, surgery, H1N1, winters in China, witnessed the deaths of 4 pedestrians throughout my life, the loss of loved ones I didn't get to say goodbye to... I grew up in a culture where you pull yourself up by the bootstraps. There's always someone worse off than I am, and to feel pain and hurt (or to admit it) is almost a sign of weakness. So throughout life I've walked around with saying "I'm fine." But I'm not. I need healing.

I feel like I have lost many things--my plans, relationships, illusions of safety... It's like I'm going through a refining fire. I've learned more in the past few months than in a long time. And I've learned that all I have left is Jesus. I'm not afraid of death, but sometimes think daily living is more challenging. There were times in China where I nearly plummeted off cliffs on a motorcycle, barely missed getting mowed down by taxis, fell desperately ill, and somehow avoided being crushed by a massive window falling from the 5th story. And almost a month ago now, I gazed up from the pavement of an intersection not being able to move, while shivering uncontrollably. I've never felt heaven so close, and was honestly a little excited at the possibility of seeing Jesus.

Yet... I continue to live. What do you do with these experiences? Some people might say they make you stronger. I disagree. I think they make you realize how weak you are really, and the enormity of God's strength. You come to the end of yourself. You can't hide anymore. You aren't in control. Just telling people "I'm fine" doesn't cut it anymore.

Over the past couple of months I've been more transparent and vulnerable than I ever have. Friends (and even some strangers) look at me through different eyes, it seems. Sometimes I fear I've been placed on a pedestal in the past--Laura, she has it all together. I can't count the number of times people have admiringly told me, "I've never met anyone like you." She's smart, funny, confident, cute, and never cries. If you're stuck in a remote town in Siberia or on a crowded train in D.C., Laura's the girl to be with. But that facade has come crashing down. I feel bruised inside and outside, it's difficult to laugh, and I feel anything but cute.

But the crazy thing is that I'm okay! Probably more than okay. I haven't felt such an overwhelming sense of peace in ages, maybe ever. Oddly, I wouldn't trade my current circumstances for anything. Well, most anything... Somehow I have a deep joy in all of this. At small group we read Philippians: "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." vs 4:4-7.

I have that peace. I know what I'm going through may not compare to other people's difficulties, but it's my pain and it still matters to God. And in the midst of the challenges, I continue to gaze on the cross, which puts everything and everyone into perspective. And I remember, "the thing about healing is sometimes it has to get bad before it gets better. It can almost feel like a death, this letting go and sitting in the broken." ~Emily Freeman

So now I can look people in the eye again. I have nothing to hide. I am Laura. I'm going to physical therapy for my knees. I appeared on a half hour radio broadcast for work and was later laughingly described as being "sassy." (Don't think that word's ever been used to describe me before!) I am hanging out with Chinese students again and loving them well. I am pouring into others. I am letting people see me even if I have tears in my eyes. I am brave. I am listening better to others. I feel more vividly that I seem to have one foot here on earth and one foot in eternity. I can laugh. I can cry. I can speak my stilted Chinese in Chinese language class loudly and proudly. I can make mistakes. I can mess up. I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to be "fine."

So here I am at my desk at home surrounded with reminders of God's goodness- dozens of pictures of beloved friends and family from all over the world. A wrinkly piece of notebook paper taped above my desk with a gratitude list, thanking God for loyal friends, gorgeous golden trees outside my window, church family... While reflecting on His goodness, I also agree that "I need a healer, someone to stand on my behalf against my past, against the pain and disappointments of broken relationships, against any fear of trusting in the future, against the sorrow and anger of death. Hiding doesn't work. Running doesn't work. And pretending to be strong only works for a time. We don't need fixing. We need healing. We need someone to take the arrows the enemy has aimed at the deep places of our souls. Someone to stand up when we're falling down. Someone to heal." ~Emily Freeman