Upward and Onward

My mind rewinds and plays a reel of "what ifs." What if I had stayed in China to pursue language school? What if I had never come to Indiana? What if I had moved out of here in May when I had the chance? What if I had never gone on a bike ride that Sunday several weekends ago? What if I had recovered faster and been more immune to that infection?

It's enough to make me go crazy. And I know that they're all accusations straight from the enemy. I shouldn't dwell on "what ifs." I shouldn't and I can't. I can't analyze or ask why all these crazy things have happened and why my life is in shambles. Like did my sin cause this? Is this meant to bring God glory? I just have to move forward and look upward.

So my mind chooses not to analyze or dwell on "what ifs." But then it easily moves on to anxious thoughts. I live below the poverty level and was living okay before my medical bills started to spiral out of control. Tens of thousands in ER bills. Thousands more in follow-up appointments, physical therapy, and x-rays. Which ones will insurance cover? Which ones won't be covered? My knees are still black and blue from my accident 7 weeks ago. My heart and lungs are still messed up from either the accident or hospitalization or severe allergic reaction that didn't get treated right away and my doctor doesn't know what's up. Nobody really does. And I kind of don't care anymore. As long as I keep breathing another day, then I'm okay. One doctor I talked to decided my body was just extremely traumatized and shocked, and that it might take months to totally recover.

I don't know what I would have done without friends and family. I can't count all of the incredible friends who visited the hospital, called me at home, asked about my well-being... Mom spent several days with me and then Andrea came and took charge of the recovery effort. For most of the ten days Andrea was here, she recited Psalm 23 to me. Faithfully, she made me lunches, dinners, and held my hand at night if I couldn't sleep because my heart was racing or I was fearful that I wouldn't wake up in the morning.

Since I've literally been on the brink of eternity several times in several weeks, I feel rather numb. I don't really think I feel sorry for myself, but just wounded. I don't plan too far ahead. I don't think about too much. I wake up, don't usually bother to put on makeup or do my hair anymore, force some oatmeal down my throat, make a sandwich, drive to work, try to concentrate at my desk all day, try not to focus on the pain in my chest or my weak limbs, come home, go for a walk, make a little dinner, sew or read, and then go to bed to sometimes sleep.

To be honest, one of the things I can't seem to do very well or often is pray or read my Bible. If I do pray, usually they're more like little gasps of prayers--such as, "Jesus, help me make it through this meeting... Jesus, help me not panic in this crowd of people... Jesus, help me to swallow this rice and chicken..." And if I do pick up my Bible, I have gravitated toward Psalm 27 for the past couple of weeks.

I don't really feel depressed, but nor do I feel very hopeful or joyful. Once and awhile I sort of glimpse a glimmer of light. Last week I had to get yet another x-ray of my chest. I was standing there in the robe with my hands above my head in the little x-ray room and just felt like crying. There, right in front of me was a little poster with Psalm 27:5: "For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock." That's when I really wanted to cry. I remembered I wasn't alone and I remembered that I am indeed safe in his dwelling, even if I feel horrible most of the time and don't understand why everything is happening this way.

I'm sure (or at least desperately hope) that I'm learning during this difficult season of struggle, and I'm sure that God will use some of this for good some day. Right now I just want to feel normal again. My Christmas wishlist is to have a body that doesn't feel like it's rejecting me. I want to laugh heartily. I want to praise God with heartfelt thanks. I want to love Chinese students. I want to feel whole. I want to serve others again. I want people to look at me with smiles and not sadness.

Thanks as always for your prayer and encouragement! Here are some pictures from the past week:

Looking out at Lake Monroe with Andrea.

Sitting on the pier. Felt like my soul healing a tiny bit.

Went on a little hike with Andrea.

The sky in my backyard.

An amazing fall wreath Andrea handcrafted out of burlap.

Gorgeous Andrea on the gorgeous campus.

Me.

A baby blanket for a friend I sewed all weekend.