Not yet home

I still have a vivid memory of trudging up the five flights of stairs to my little humble apartment in China. It had been a long day, and I was suddenly overwhelmed by the crushing weight of poverty, corruption, and hopelessness that surrounded me in the country of 1.4 billion souls. I wanted to pack up my things and return home. Then it was like God told me very clearly: "Laura, I don't ask you to change the whole world. I just want you to love and live alongside those I place in your path- one person at a time."

Sometimes I still remember those words that renewed my faith in God's grace and my purpose, when I feel like I'm not doing or being enough. But then I remember I'm loving and living alongside people even now--when I prepare someone's taxes and listen to their stories; when I serve Louisa who thinks my name is "Roberta;" when I hang out with my friends of all nationalities who are dealing with their own struggles; when I share my own stories of struggle, hopes, and challenges with others... So maybe I'm not changing the whole world or even the little town I live in, but that's impossible anyway, and not what we're called to do. We just step out in faith, live our lives to the best of our ability, and invest in those He brings into our lives.

Oh, but some days I wonder how much sadness one can take. When is enough enough? When will it be over? Yes, I have experienced incredible moments of joy, and still do, but so often it seems like the darkness can overwhelm the light. A part of me just wants to rest, take care of myself, heal, put up defenses, build a respectable career, turn inward, and brick my heart off from the pain of the world. But then an even bigger part of my heart knows that I was placed on this earth to be a light and to bring glory to God's name, not my own. I recall 2 Corinthians 3:3: The most important resume or credentials should not be "carved on tablets of stone, but on human hearts."

I agree with C.S. Lewis when he said:

"The settled happiness and security which we all desire, God withholds from us by the very nature of the world: but joy, pleasure, and merriment, He has scattered broadcast. We are never safe, but we have plenty of fun, and some ecstasy. It is not hard to see why. The security we crave would teach us to rest our hearts in this world and oppose an obstacle to our return to God: a few moments of happy love, a landscape, a symphony, a merry meeting with our friends...have no such tendency. Our Father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home."

In other news, please keep my dear 90 year old Grandpa in your prayers! He went in for emergency surgery today, and it's rather serious. Thanks as always!