Whole

It's always rather humorous and sometimes disorienting how we can make plans for the future, but they often don't work out, or they turn out a lot differently than we could have anticipated. For example, since I returned from China in 2010, I thought I was being prepared to go back and serve in some capacity. And I thought that time to head back would be this fall, as I had the opportunity to live in Guangzhou and teach public policy at one of China's top universities.

But, alas, God seems to have other plans. For the time being, my place is here. My doctors have made it clear that I'm not up to snuff yet, especially since I've started to feel a lot more awful again over the past month. I have come a long ways, but healing is a bumpy road, and sometimes there are effects from series of traumatic events that may only appear months later, and not so conveniently (or maybe it is convenient?) when I'm trying to return overseas.

So now I'm not quite sure what to do, although I don't have to worry about it yet. When my job is finished here in July, an option may be to move to Florida to be closer to my sister. That would be such a novel idea--living close to family! Being with Andrea and in a warmer, sunnier climate may do wonders in healing. Now I may never be fully recovered in some ways, and will always have some physical and psychological scars, but I am trusting fully. Who knows what adventures await? Who knows what relationships the future holds? And besides--Chinese people are literally EVERYWHERE, even in Florida. And maybe I'll miraculously learn to love regular, white Americans...

I don't think the 16 year-old Laura would recognize the 26 year-old one. When I was 16, I had been accepted to top ballet programs, knew I was heading to the East Coast for college, had a column in the city paper, and believed I could do and be anything. When I thought of myself being in my mid-20s, I pictured roaming the globe for the New York Times while speaking several languages, having a marvelous boyfriend, and wearing super classy clothes with a gleaming head of gorgeous hair. Haha. So maybe things haven't turned out quite that way (except the hair, of course), but in a lot of ways, my life so far has turned out better. I may often feel broken and scarred, but I also know that there's more to life than what I can see or feel. And when I feel disappointed and discouraged, which seems to be a lot lately, then I remember the scars of our Savior. He knows. He understands. And someday I will be made whole again.