My other self

A new life experience is sometimes a great opportunity to change things about yourself that you'd like to. For example, I want to do things that make me uncomfortable--not in a sinful way, but in a stretching way. So I'm starting small. And my experience in small group can be an example.

To be very honest, I really don't like dogs that are larger than a stuffed animal. First, dogs always love to leap on me, lick me all over, claw my legs, etc. The small group I go to has a dog at the host's house. I decided that I was going to fake liking the dog until I actually did start to like it. So far I haven't been that successful.

When I walk in the door, the dog bounds over to me, puts its paws on my legs, and starts going crazy. I plaster on a smile, and pet it excitedly, just like I grew up with thousands of dogs when I was a child.

Then during the Bible study, the dog usually paces around the room of 10 people, then settles on putting his head on my lap, of course. Sometimes I can ignore it. Other times I pet it and scratch its head.

Then last week, I had to stretch myself even further. The dog was licking my arm, and then the super cute hockey player guy of the group announces a camping trip. Oh, no, I thought. Not a camping trip. But everyone else, even the other girls get super excited, like it is the most thrilling event in history. Then a Johnny Raincloud in the group (who actually wasn't me) mentions, "But there's a fire ban, because of the dry weather." I perk up at this news. No camping with a fire ban. Maybe there will be a fire ban until winter, and no more chances for camping!

But, alas, everyone is determined to camp, fire ban and all. I immediately think of my limited camping experiences and all the excuses not to go. I used to camp in a tent at Cape Cod with my relatives every summer when I was young, but that was different. We were at a campground, there was access to a bathroom, and there weren't any cute guys.

Now this is a whole new ball game. I'm 24, and camping sounds about as appealing to me as an overnight train ride in China, which actually might be more rugged than camping. Both involve sleeping poorly on hard surfaces, going to the bathroom in a hole, and feeling extremely unglamorous.

Anyways, I also put on my "other self" in different situations. This weekend I went to a ballet with my friends, which I greatly enjoyed. It made me miss dancing a lot. It was rare that I felt much more joyful and challenged than when I was dancing. I loved performing, too. Probably because I could be someone else--someone graceful, elegant, and talented.

Teaching was also a lot that way too. I wasn't Laura; I was a teacher who could engage, encourage, and excite classrooms full of students. They couldn't tell that I was afraid of dogs, disliked camping, or sometimes felt inadequate.

I had a similar feeling last week when I presented a 45 minute group presentation in our Public Management class. As part of our presentation, I played the role of a moderator for a press conference. Without trying, I had the whole class in stitches. I got a little scared since this was a grad course. But then I saw the professor thoroughly enjoying it, too, so I relaxed. They went crazy during our presentation, and we got our point across quite well. Afterward, a lot of my classmates came up to me and said things like, "You deserve an Oscar!" or "You were so convincing as someone else."

Yes, I'm quite good at being someone else. Is that okay? I don't feel that happy about it.

Whatever the answer, I know I am the most content with my identity as a dearly loved daughter of the King. I can be myself, and He still loves me. I can be Laura.

My photographer self took a couple of these fall shots:


The gorgeous view outside my apartment.


A very orange tree on campus.

Life of Late

My humor and positive attitude seem to be slowly draining away from life over this past week. I wouldn't say I'm stressed, really, but overwhelmed, yes. I have two mid-terms next week that have an incredible amount of preparation and studying. We also continue to have papers and readings and homework due. The homework is what's driving me crazy. Each assignment takes about 10 hours, on average, to complete. So I'd say I spend at least 40 hours each week doing homework, studying, and reading. That doesn't include sleeping, working, eating, meetings, searching for internships, and taking a break.

Faint thoughts are starting to creep into my head, like "Is this really worth it?" I'm not so sure at the moment. Probably because I'm not even halfway through with this semester, and can't see how it could possibly get busier and more difficult, although I know it will. I know my classmates also feel the same pressure, but they just seem to understand things better and faster than I do. I just feel slow.

There have been a few bright spots lately, though. I'm attending a new small group every Tuesday from my church. I don't care how busy I am; I always make sure I can go to church and small group. I love the fellowship and the people, but sometimes my brain also hurts after that. Everyone in this town is so intellectual--even Bible studies can make my head swim.

The trees are also turning amazingly gorgeous colors, and it's been warmer of late. One morning last week I had to scrape frost off my car at 7:30 a.m. That was a wee bit cold for early October. Now it's warmer again.

And tonight I'm going over to my friends' house to make Greek pizza and then we'll all go over to campus to see the ballet. I think I might really cry when I see ballet on stage again!

My dearest Chinese friend and I still communicate through email. Here's some of the encouraging words and unsolicited boyfriend advice she shared with me this week:

"my dearest baby laura 谢佳曦！

i've seen your pictures. i'm really glad that you are a little fat with your face, haha don't mind the word of fat, it's okay for you! canse you are so thin. i know the life for you is a little difficult now, but both of us sure that Father is always here.

my baby laura, even i'm really busy now. but i feel it's empty when the weekend is come. i miss the day that i went old campus every weekend on Saturday almost TWO YEARS. i really miss the time i spend with you!

Kelsey told me and also you must knew it that she will get marry in 2012. wow... how blessed she is! it's must so happy the husband is a brother! i'm so happy for her! and envious of her! haha. and i said to Father too i know he's prepare for you a good man. it's just not the time now. baby laura. you are a good girl of Father. be confident to yourself as Father to gave you of him. the good boy is waiting for you, not you are waiting for a boy..."

So I will continue to keep going, trusting in Him and waiting on Him for everything!

An American Autumn

I'm taking a break from the futile and frustrating effort to write a memorandum for economics about marginal cost pricing of water in California. And I'm going to contemplate for a few minutes the development of a new season in Indiana: the beauty of fall. It's a season I haven't really experienced for a while.

In Nanchang, there wasn't such a season. It was 95 degrees with 95% humidity until mid-November, when suddenly it turned extremely cold, and you had to start wearing long underwear 24/7. And the small, scrawny trees were perpetually faded a greenish gray all year-round.

So I haven't really experienced "fall" since 2007. But, wait, that's not quite true either, because I was in southern, coastal Virginia for college. It became a bit more fall-ish than Nanchang, but not the hearty-type of fall like the Midwest and New England. So I would say I haven't had a real fall season since 2003, when I was still in Kansas.

Right now it is becoming fall here in southern Indiana, and I'm in love! This morning I worked at the Multicultural Expo in downtown Bryan Park. It's a gorgeous park that looks its best in the fall. You wouldn't think you were downtown. There are rolling hills, rustic fences, and large patches of huge, healthy trees.

The huge old trees are turning so many shades of deep red, bright oranges, and pretty yellow. In the sunlight, the trees seem to glitter like gold. The tall grass everywhere is also turning muted colors of purple, brown, and orange. It almost takes my breath away, thinking about how God could create such a beautiful scene.

And it's so strange to be in such a community. This morning as I was talking to people at the Expo, I felt so warm and comfortable with all the cheerful, friendly people, who represented so many different cultures. I've never lived in a little town like this. It's seems so quintessential American: the small, narrow streets, the state police directing football game traffic, the children swinging and laughing in the park, the charming store-fronts, and the low-key atmosphere. Yet at the same time, it's dominated by a state school, it's filled with people from all over the globe, and is extremely progressive. At night I almost dread going to sleep, because I'm afraid I'm going to miss something exciting.

One of my Chinese classmates wants to go to church with me on Sunday. I'm also working on a group project with 2 international students, one of whom is a guy from India and was trained as an engineer. He's extremely fascinating, especially since his vocabulary and passion for life seem bigger than mine. I've asked him about his faith as a Hindu, and he seems pretty open, but surprised that people would talk to him about it. He said he is of the highest caste in India as a Brahmin. He admits he and his family lead very privileged lives back home. One of his beliefs is that he can't eat meat, or he "will become meat." Most of the international students here come from wealthy or well-to-do families, I've discovered.

So while many aspects of my life are going well, classes still aren't that great. Sigh... Hope you are having a blessed fall, and take time to stop to appreciate God's wondrous paintbrush.

Learning Curve

People have told me that there's a very steep learning curve for grad school. I'd agree. It's like having climbed some baby and medium-sized hills my whole life, and then being told to go climb Mt. Kilimanjaro. I still love being here and learning, but I certainly feel a little shell-shocked. Every class, assignment, and exam goes 10 times faster and 10 times more in depth than any of my undergrad courses.

Although it sounds like I'd be locked away in my room or the library all day, the opposite is true. I'm still working (and loving it!), hanging out with friends, volunteering, trying to love people, etc. Sometimes I wish there weren't so many cool things and people!

This past weekend, I worked on a group project, attended a professional seminar, volunteered in setting up for the big Red Cross book fair, saw my first opera, went to church, ate dinner with friends, and went to a Bible study--all in between studying and working on homework like crazy.

Life's not lacking any luster, although I'm a bit concerned about grades... I now own more than a C- to my name. I can officially throw in a few Bs. Laura Perfectionist Freeze is learning how to let go of the life-long obsession with As. It's rather freeing. Hopefully I'll be able to get my grades up a little higher to keep my financial aid, however. :)

Hope you are experiencing some beautiful fall weather! And happy 88th birthday to my favoritest, dearest Grandpa! I love you, Grandpa!!


I try to look cute in between studying. :)


At the awesome three hour-long IU opera with Jennifer and Jess. Somehow we all wore turquoise.


Our other friend, Malsi, didn't get the turquoise memo. :)

Days of my life

Like always, it's been a whirlwind week. I feel like I've been in a race; when I get to the end of the week I'm exhausted! But usually I'm exhausted in a good, fulfilled kind of way. Whether it's classes, work, studying, hanging out with people, or enjoying the 98 degree fall weather, it all seems worth the effort.

So far in my grad school career, I'm standing at a C-. And I'm pretty proud of that C-, especially when I'm surrounded by geniuses. That was the score of my first Management Economics quiz; I'm honestly surprised I didn't do worse. I've completed various other assignments and papers so far, but the professors don't seem overly eager or motivated to give them back to us. All I have is a 70% to my name.

I feel like my time in China has helped but also hurt me for grad school. It helps because I'm older, hopefully wiser, more grateful to be here, much more social, and have learned from some crazy life experiences. It seems to have also hurt me because I'm older, rustier, less concerned with grades, more nonchalant, and easily distracted by American culture.

Anyway, the weekdays are packed full with classes, work, group projects, and activities during the week. Then the weekend is also packed full with a million interesting things to do, church, beautiful scenery, international Bible studies, and of course, much more studying.

Tonight, for example, I'm going to the opera with my friends. We bought season tickets for only $50 to see 6 operas and 3 ballets. The IU School of Music is world-renowned, so I'm excited for such culture that I've been craving the past several years. I was going to go to the football game, but I think opera wins.

In other news, it's exciting to hear about how the rest of my family has also embraced international students. They have always had a big heart for other nations, but it seems like the Father's really brought some awesome people into their lives lately.

My mom has basically "adopted" two Chinese girls who are students at Washburn University. They come over to Mom's house to cook, hang out, and discuss the Word! They love having an American friend who is motherly and loving and fun!

Then Andrea has had a long relationship with international students, too, at her college. She and I both agree that we just seem to click better with Asians than other people. Last year her Chinese roommate became a believer, because Andrea was also loving her and sharing about truth with her. Now that girl is attending fellowship and growing in her faith. Some of Andrea's best friends are Chinese, Malaysian, and Korean. And as an intern with Campus Outreach, Andrea is just continuing her relationships with them.

Here's a picture of Andrea with her Malaysian friends at a birthday party recently. It warms my heart!

My crushes

Happy 3 month anniversary to me! I've been back in America for 3 whole months now, which seems like such a short time, but also an eternity! Yesterday I was talking to a Chinese person, which I do about once a day, but I realized my Chinese has gotten a lot worse. I'm already forgetting a lot. It's hard to prioritize: spend time studying Chinese or studying for my crazy classes that I'm struggling in? At this point I feel like it's impossible to do both.

Today I worked all day, which I always enjoy much better than stuffy classrooms. I'm learning a lot, especially from the 3 people who sort of shepherd me. They have big hearts and a lot of practical skills. One of them reaffirmed my belief that this town is super cool, but also filled with hippies. He said, "In you hadn't noticed, most people around here think the calendar still says 1968." I've never lived in a place with so many hippies! Pretty interesting.

Again I got to visit some non-profit agencies. I went to a tiny homeless shelter that crams 30 people in there. The rooms looked pretty close to the crowded Chinese dormitories. I also had the longest chat with a guy at a mental health clinic who counsels homeless people who have mental illness. Talking to him I started to fear that I had a mental illness. When I left after a while, he shook my hand, half-bowed, looked me right in the eyes, and said, "It was such a pleasure." He says he counsels about 300 homeless a year. Apparently Bloomington, since it offers so many social services, is sort of a mecca for the area homeless. It's always a humbling experience to visit these places.

In other news, I have decided that many American boys are very nice looking. Is that okay to admit? I've never had a boyfriend, so I wouldn't exactly say I'm boy-crazy, but I do like boys. In China I couldn't date, and probably wouldn't date the lovely Chinese boys. For one, I was much too tall for them, my hair was shorter than theirs, and my clothes were less frilly than theirs.

So here in America I get along with all types of boys just swell. I can be friends with them, which I'm good at. If they like me, I'll hide, but that doesn't mean I don't have little crushes, all of them which would never work out, but are still fun. Here are some examples:

1.) One of the city bus drivers. He wears aviator sunglasses and shouts "Eigenmann Hall!" in such a dignified, manly voice.

2.) A guy I'll call "Steve." I met him at math camp when I first noticed his good head of hair, handsome face, and retro glasses. He was the 1950s guy for me. And as a rugged, recent Peace Corps volunteer, the girls are smitten. He told my friend that I have "amazing hair." So now I get all flustered and talk to him in a tiny Muppet voice.

3.) Another guy I'll call "Tim." He's a very nice guy who is ridiculously funny, a sharp dresser, and easy to get along with. We're classmates and work at the same place. We talk to each other a lot. But our conversations seem to get interrupted by his boyfriend appearing out of nowhere...

4.) There's the fruit guy at Kroger's. One time I asked him where the lemons were, and he just gazed right into my eyes. :) Now, he tries to talk to me whenever I'm buying fruit. Sigh... it must be my hair!

So there you have it--why I like American guys but will somehow never manage to actually date one. Enjoy your awesome weekend!

Outsider Looking In (7)

My brain does not work apparently. I've been trying to get it started up for school and learning again. It's frustrating to not understand half of your classes, even after going in for office hours. It's like people speak on a totally different plane. I realize our program is in competition with Harvard, but I didn't think that would mean I actually would be attending Harvard. I like to be low-key and have few ambitions in life. :)

My brain's never hurt so much in my life. Grad level Economics and Statistics are consuming my life. I actually somewhat understand Public Management and Finance classes, but those other two are a different story. Monday night at 9 p.m., I was sitting in lab staring at my computer screen trying to learn statistics software programming. It was like reading a book in Russian or repairing a space shuttle--something totally foreign. I found myself thinking, "How on earth did I ever get signed up for this?"

I've been thinking about that a lot lately. Wandering around the grocery store, walking into city hall, or catching the bus to class, I feel like I'm in a daze. Even while I'm talking to people, I feel very far removed, like I'm not really there. Is that some sort of mental illness?

Anyways, after a nearly impossible Econ. quiz today, I was sitting in another class with my genius classmates. They were actually complaining bitterly about the quiz, so I didn't feel so terrible about it. One girl said brightly, "Well, when I get sad about it, I just remember there are children starving in China!" Which got me thinking about my next topic...

7.) Poverty

With my new swanky job, I've gotten to see some not-so-swanky, albeit interesting parts of the community. Part of my assignment lately has been to visit about a million non-profit agencies in Bloomington to see what they're up to. This city may only have 60,000 people, but it seems to have a non-profit for every 10 people.

But I don't even know how clients or people in need find these places. I've already missed 3 appointments because I got lost. They hide their organizations in the seemingly most remote, hidden places. I've had to call, stop at car repair shops, and ask people on the street where these places are. It's like being a detective, but not so glamorous.

So I've visited food pantries, food kitchens, shelters, halfway houses, daycares, etc. If you are poor in Bloomington, you are well taken care of. There's no excuse to be hungry or homeless, although I'm certainly not being judgmental. I realize America's an expensive place.

But that got me thinking about how poverty seems relative, and how America actually seems more socialist than communist China. In China the people in poverty lived in terrible conditions. There was no safety net for them--no welfare, no shelter, no food, etc. Hundreds of millions of people in China live on less than 2 dollars a day. They literally live in hovels or on the street. Many of them have rags for clothing, and some die right there on the street. Being poor in China means you don't have food or a roof over your head. And they are all skin and bones.

Now in America, poverty seems more relative. Yes, there are some extremely poor people in America, but at least most of them have options--welfare, Medicaid, food stamps, food pantries, shelters... Being poor in America, or at least the Midwest, seems to mean that you don't have a car or a house. But actually a lot of them do have cars. Most of the people getting food at the kitchens and pantries drove up in cars. One lady actually drove up in an Jaguar.

And the poor people look different in America. Most of them don't look underfed, and a lot of them do have a roof over their head. They were wearing clothes just like me. The thing to me that seems poor about them is their spirit. Most of them look ashamed and dejected, but not like they're on the verge of starving. It's hard to put my finger on it.

All this said, I'm thankful for the chances I'm having to go and visit these places, especially as I'm working for a department that does a lot with the underprivileged in Bloomington. I'm not trying to be heartless, it's just strange that the poor in America would probably be quite middle class in other countries. And middle class folks here are quite upper class in other parts of the world.

And I was informed that I could go to the food pantry, because I'm technically under the poverty line as a grad student. Hmmm... Maybe I should consider that. I saw some amazing organic food at a pantry I visited tonight. People can even get organic food for free! Sign me up.