Novembering

Wow, where does life go? It's already 9:45 a.m. on November 10th, 2010! I had class at 8 a.m. this morning and took yet another economics quiz. I may have actually gotten better than a 70% this time. Studying for those quizzes and preparing for the econ papers makes me want to tear my hair out most days.

Speaking of hair, one of my classmates who is only 23 dyed her hair recently. She said it's because she found gray hair, which she attributes to the stress at grad school. (I think I would also attribute some of it to her boyfriend, who's always around).

I'm 24, thankfully without gray hair, and am starting to feel a wee bit old. Yesterday I got my hair cut by a woman who looked in her late 20s. She had perfect hair, perfect makeup, and super stylish clothes. She looked a good 5 years old than I was. Then she started talking about how she's 24 and an "old maid." It was really strange. If she's an old maid at 24, doesn't that also make me an old maid? I didn't really care about that part. But why don't I look 24? I think I'm going to go straight from looking 18 to 35.

I also try not to care about those things, because there are also a lot of other better things to think about. My Chinese friend, Grace, has still been coming to church with me. This past Sunday she also brought her boyfriend, Jian, who is from Beijing. They are both very well-off. I've never really hung out with Chinese people who are far richer than I am. I drove us all to church in my Ford (which I'm thankful to have!) and he nonchalantly mentioned the brand-new Audi he has. I was like, "Son, why am I driving?" Later he did pay for us when we went out to eat lunch at a Chinese restaurant, although I tried to fight him for the bill true Chinese-style.

Grace's parents are government officials, meaning they have amazing security and perks for life. Jian's parents are bankers. They both studied at the best universities in Beijing. The majority of all their classmates from China are also studying in America. It's the thing to do. They have led almost opposite lives from my dear baby students in Nanchang. Most of my students' parents were poor farmers or migrant workers in factories...

But no matter rich or poor, everyone still needs to know His love! Please remember Grace and Jian--I'd love to study the Word with them! They are both very open.

Treading Water

It's November! Life is feeling very fall-ish here. The majority of the leaves have fallen off the trees, and I've realized that leaving my winter shoes and clothes in China don't help me much in America...

Oh, and I was looking forward to being nice and toasty in my American classrooms. In China, there wasn't any heat inside, so it was literally the same frigid temperatures inside as outside. However, being a student in IU's School of Public and Environmental Affairs, our program has embraced the campus-wide "energy challenge." And, of course it turns out that our building is currently winning this contest. That means it's practically dark and freezing inside. So ironic and funny!

Although the weather's quite chilly and crispy now, it was quite warm for a couple days early last week. The "historic storm" that was all over the news passed through here Tuesday. Tuesdays are the only days I don't have class or work in the morning. Apparently six tornadoes touched down in the state, and the tornado sirens also went off here. I momentarily hid in my little closet, but figured that wouldn't help much, so I stood transfixed at the window, mesmerized by the torrential rain, 60 mph winds, and swirling clouds. Too bad I wasn't working at City Hall then. A lot of my friends and co-workers had a great time during the tornado sirens.

In other news, I feel like I'm truly beginning to understand the saying, "just trying to keep your head above water." I've never felt quite so overwhelmed by classes, exams, and projects. I feel like I'm average in my classes, which I'm fine with at this point. In managerial economics, the class average is a C-. Yep, that's me! It's sort of funny to see a class full of over-achievers get worked up about that. I've kind of given up caring. As long as I somehow pass!!

Although it feels like I'm about drowning, I have managed to carve out time to hang out with lots of different people. It also helps that I have to work with people in studying for exams and working on projects. I would be doing a lot worse if I couldn't ask my classmates for help. As an undergrad, I was independent and self-sufficient. I would fail now if I tried learning and doing everything on my own.

I've also been getting to know my Chinese friend, Grace, who has been coming to church with us. Please think of our relationship! She has already latched onto our friendship, saying I'm her "favorite American friend." Why do Chinese people automatically draw toward me, when there are tons of other interesting white people? I guess it's either because I'm half-Chinese, or it's a gift from the Father. Maybe my mom somehow raised my sister, Andrea, and I as Chinese. Andrea also has tons of Chinese friends, and is actually doing a Bible study with interested Chinese girls on her campus. Please think of them! :)

Here's some more random pictures of late:


At church with Grace.


Picture during church, courtesy of Grace.


Chinese pose with Jenn, who also happened to have lived in China.


Went to "Little Women" the opera with my friends. I love "Little Women," but it should not be made into a bizarre opera.

Flashbacks

Thanks for your many wonderful thoughts that helped me get through the past week! The week could have potentially turned out differently. I was tired, studied out, and discouraged. But the Father got me through exams, quizzes, papers, projects, and work. I tried my best, and so far it seems that I'm still in grad school. :) He filled me with diligence, peace, energy, and encouragement for others.

This past week I also had to sign up for next semester's classes--already! In case you couldn't remember (I barely can), I'm studying Public Affairs with concentrations in public management and nonprofit management. And while a part of me wants to think ahead to the future for internships, a way to return to China, etc., I can't live in the future.

In fact, I've been having little snippets of memories flood back from my time in China:

-I've been reading a great book called "Snow Flower and the Secret Fan," by Lisa See. It's about 1800s China, and all the things involved with being a proper woman in China: footbinding, childbearing, sickness, famine, obedience to elders and males, and modesty. I recalled being in Reborn's home and listening to her dear Grandma explain the painful process of having her feet bound. It was so painful, but also a great source of pride for her. Her parents also told us stories about famine, and how they had to eat bark to survive. Women no longer get their feet bound, and famine hasn't happened in China for a long time now, but I can see strong connections in others ways with traditional and modern China. Many of the same thoughts, beliefs, traditions, social structures, and motivations persist today. So many things my students told me now make a lot more sense.

-I read an article on the BBC about Chinese people creating video games to vent their frustrations with the authorities: One game, Peddlers vs. City Enforcers, "pits street vendors against officials trying to remove them." Immediately I remembered walking down the back alley of our school where illegal vendors sold their goods. Illegal vendors are everywhere in China, but only sometimes are they punished.

I'm not sure if I ever wrote about it in my blog, but one day as I was walking in the alley, I saw the uniformed "enforcers" arrive. Most of the vendors saw them coming, packed up their bicycle carts, and silently disappeared down deeper alleys. One older woman wasn't so fortunate. She couldn't get away in time. The enforcer zeroed in on her, angrily tipped her bicycle cart over, scattering her few goods everywhere. Then he began beating her as he yelled. Everyone else stood silently by. My presence as a foreigner didn't help either. In fact, my very presence could get her in more trouble, so I quickly got out of there. Thank goodness Watermelon Lady wasn't there.

-Every day I see and talk to my Chinese classmate, "Grace." While she is far richer and better educated than my precious baby students, she is still sweet and very Chinese. When I see her clothes or hear her accent, I always think about all my friends in China. Then I am motivated anew to befriend and love my fellow international students.

-This morning I saw a typical-looking Chinese family talking a walk. The mother wore a reflective visor over her face to protect her skin, even though it was cloudy. Their child was naturally a boy. I thought about all the elaborate gear women wear in China to keep their skin white. That was one thing that I never had to worry about in China--my pale skin was prized like "tender tofu," according to my students.

-Remember the camping dilemma? My friends still went camping, but I decided to go to a missions dinner at my church last night instead. I was the only person under 40, but it was an amazing time to meet other people who also have a passion and heart for missions. There were also about 10 missionaries that shared. My church supports at least 50 full-time missionaries, which is incredible.

I sat next to a man serving all over the world, primarily in Thailand and southern China. I talked with another older lady who serves in southwestern China. She and her husband have been there since China reopened in the early 1980s. We both talked about the amazing pace of change there.

Perhaps the most exciting was a man I talked to who is with Navigators International Student Ministry on our campus. He said that there is such a need for help at their English conversation clubs. He also said there is a need for a woman (like me!) to meet one-on-one with some of the female international students. There are many Chinese students, in particular. Wow. What do you think? That's exactly what I did in China, and I miss it. It seems like such an answer to prayer to be involved with international students that way.

-Summer internship hunting has also got me thinking about China. I started applying to places in the federal government, but my heart's still in China...

Thanks for your thoughts! I love you all and am praying that you will be renewed with His strength this upcoming week.

America 101

There are some aspects of American culture that I'm still adjusting to that I've noticed in the past few days. The first one is church. I attend a church that is extremely missional and internationally focused. The congregation is made up of tons of internationals, the sermons and worship are amazing, and it seems like God is really glorified. I'm just still amazed and thankful that 500 people can openly meet in a building like that...

Another aspect is the fact that it's okay I don't have a boyfriend in America. In China, my students were very concerned about this, especially when I reached the advanced age of 23. Yesterday, my Chinese classmate and I were discussing my lack of a boyfriend, which transported me back to China in my thoughts.

I saw her talking to a tall Chinese guy, so I asked her in Chinese if that was her boyfriend. Of course she got all flustered and turned the question on whether or not I had a boyfriend. I said, no, I didn't, and she couldn't believe it. Then she switched to English as we walked into our classroom, and our classmates could clearly understand us. She said, "What about 'George'?" with a knowing look. "You sit by him a lot."

Yes, I do sit by George a lot, who could probably hear our conversation by now. But how could I explain that George is gay and thus couldn't be my boyfriend? This would be awkward, and she would be confused--in a traditional society like China you don't really run into that situation much. So I just tried to manuever the conversation in another, less potentially embarrassing direction. I just told her that I liked to sit by many different people...

Then I experienced yet another side of America that doesn't exist in China. I went to a political debate last night with some of my friends, including the aforementioned George. It was sponsored by IU's School of Public and Environmental Affairs, where I'm a student. It was held downtown in a cozy old theater from the 1920s. The theater, the people, and the debate seemed all very old-fashioned.

I sat in the balcony to listen to the three candidates for Congress. At first it was rather boring, but then the candidates and the audience were interesting to watch and interact.

The Democrat: He is the incumbent, and has been around for millions of years. He's pretty old school, and got riled up a lot for no reason. He seemed rather conservative for being a democrat, and had all the right, expected sayings.

The Republican: He is a Naval Academy graduate, a lawyer, and a little too smooth. He also said all the right things, but never really said anything at all. He also got very worked up. And his suit and tie matched the democratic guy exactly.

The Independent: He isn't married, and you could tell, because he wore a splotchy looking gray suit with a purplish tie. He was pretty much the comedic relief. I probably agreed with him more on the issues than the other two candidates, but he wasn't as well-spoken. He also kind of went off the deep end towards the end of the debate, when he dramatically called for the Democratic congressman's resignation, who was standing right next to him. The audience just laughed.

The Moderator: He had actually coached the University of Kansas last year, which won the national debate championships. Now he's teaching at IU. He was pretty cool, and didn't get too ruffled when the audience and candidates did unpredictable things.

The Rest of the People: The theater had a lot of media, which was the only thing that reminded me we weren't in the 1940s, because of their laptops. The audience was an interesting mix of people from the university, farmers from the surrounding areas, and people from the small military base nearby. They all embarrassed me, because at some points they would applaud loudly, or boo, or stomp their feet on the floor, even though the audience was told to be well-behaved. I didn't understand, especially because the candidates weren't really that different from each other. Two police officers dressed in uniforms like Mayberry, watched the audience to make sure they didn't go too crazy.

All in all, it was a fascinating exercise on American society and politics. Now I have to finish studying for yet another midterm, which isn't a rarity in American or Chinese life...


The Buskirk-Chumley theater downtown. What a name!


The outside of the theater.


The debate.

White people, USA

I have nothing against white people. I happen to be white. Sometimes I'm a little disappointed; I feel much more Asian than Caucasian. I went to high school and college surrounded by many different colors. I went to China and was surrounded by Chinese people. At grad school I'm also surrounded by tons of international students.

So today was a bit of a culture shock when several of my friends and I drove east to Nashville, Indiana. It was a beautiful fall day for a beautiful fall drive. We were headed for a quaint town nestled in the hills of east central Indiana.

I imagined a quiet main street with tiny restaurants and maybe a few people in flannel shirts and jeans or something. I guess that was partially true, except that main street was filled with thundering pick-up trucks, motorcycles, and tons of rather large white people. It was fascinating. It was like white people's Disneyland. I couldn't quite figure out why there were millions of people in this middle-of-nowhere town that was only filled with candy and Christmas knickknack shops. It was almost as crowded as China. These are some things I noted:

-People ate cotton candy.
-People ate fudge.
-People ate hotdogs.
-People ate cotton candy, fudge, and hotdogs all at once.
-People shopped with at least 10 ten children per family.
-People owned Harley-Davidson everything; the bike, the attire, etc.
-People wore plenty of camouflage.
-People bought confederate flags. Wasn't Indiana a part of the Union?
-People ate, ate, ate.

The highlight was when we ate at "Calzone Jones," an earthy little restaurant with an owner named Frank, who wore suspenders, and had a gray mustache the size of Texas. His family worked with him. They all shouted like they were deaf. Here is one conversation we heard word-for-word between the twenty-something girl on the phone with her grandma--probably Frank's wife. Everyone stopped to listen. You couldn't help but listen.

"IS MOMMY THERE? MEEMAW, IS MOMMY THERE? YES, MEEMAW, I LOVE YOU TOO!!"

A few minutes later another daughter actually shouted to all the restaurant patrons, "CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION?!"

The whole restaurant came to an awkward silence. Was the building burning down? Nope. She went on to explain in her booming voice:

"ALL THE OVENS ARE FULL! ALL THE OVENS ARE FULL WITH STUFF RIGHT NOW! PLEASE BE PATIENT!"

I couldn't help but laugh. That place had character. Frank, who must have been about 80 years old, also advertised his "debut CD" on sale for only $13.00. They played it in the restaurant. Frank plays the fiddle, of course. If I ever return, which I probably won't, perhaps I'll think about purchasing a copy.

So it was a bizarre town, but it was so fun to hang out with friends, take a break from studying for mid-terms, and just wander around aimlessly.

I hope you're having a beautifully blessed weekend!


In Nashville with my Chinese-American friend, Yee. We were both a little scared by all the white people and white people stuff.


Chinese pose.


A picture-perfect church.


Vanessa outside of Frank's place.


Our group from IU Graduate-Faculty Ministry.

My other self

A new life experience is sometimes a great opportunity to change things about yourself that you'd like to. For example, I want to do things that make me uncomfortable--not in a sinful way, but in a stretching way. So I'm starting small. And my experience in small group can be an example.

To be very honest, I really don't like dogs that are larger than a stuffed animal. First, dogs always love to leap on me, lick me all over, claw my legs, etc. The small group I go to has a dog at the host's house. I decided that I was going to fake liking the dog until I actually did start to like it. So far I haven't been that successful.

When I walk in the door, the dog bounds over to me, puts its paws on my legs, and starts going crazy. I plaster on a smile, and pet it excitedly, just like I grew up with thousands of dogs when I was a child.

Then during the Bible study, the dog usually paces around the room of 10 people, then settles on putting his head on my lap, of course. Sometimes I can ignore it. Other times I pet it and scratch its head.

Then last week, I had to stretch myself even further. The dog was licking my arm, and then the super cute hockey player guy of the group announces a camping trip. Oh, no, I thought. Not a camping trip. But everyone else, even the other girls get super excited, like it is the most thrilling event in history. Then a Johnny Raincloud in the group (who actually wasn't me) mentions, "But there's a fire ban, because of the dry weather." I perk up at this news. No camping with a fire ban. Maybe there will be a fire ban until winter, and no more chances for camping!

But, alas, everyone is determined to camp, fire ban and all. I immediately think of my limited camping experiences and all the excuses not to go. I used to camp in a tent at Cape Cod with my relatives every summer when I was young, but that was different. We were at a campground, there was access to a bathroom, and there weren't any cute guys.

Now this is a whole new ball game. I'm 24, and camping sounds about as appealing to me as an overnight train ride in China, which actually might be more rugged than camping. Both involve sleeping poorly on hard surfaces, going to the bathroom in a hole, and feeling extremely unglamorous.

Anyways, I also put on my "other self" in different situations. This weekend I went to a ballet with my friends, which I greatly enjoyed. It made me miss dancing a lot. It was rare that I felt much more joyful and challenged than when I was dancing. I loved performing, too. Probably because I could be someone else--someone graceful, elegant, and talented.

Teaching was also a lot that way too. I wasn't Laura; I was a teacher who could engage, encourage, and excite classrooms full of students. They couldn't tell that I was afraid of dogs, disliked camping, or sometimes felt inadequate.

I had a similar feeling last week when I presented a 45 minute group presentation in our Public Management class. As part of our presentation, I played the role of a moderator for a press conference. Without trying, I had the whole class in stitches. I got a little scared since this was a grad course. But then I saw the professor thoroughly enjoying it, too, so I relaxed. They went crazy during our presentation, and we got our point across quite well. Afterward, a lot of my classmates came up to me and said things like, "You deserve an Oscar!" or "You were so convincing as someone else."

Yes, I'm quite good at being someone else. Is that okay? I don't feel that happy about it.

Whatever the answer, I know I am the most content with my identity as a dearly loved daughter of the King. I can be myself, and He still loves me. I can be Laura.

My photographer self took a couple of these fall shots:


The gorgeous view outside my apartment.


A very orange tree on campus.

Life of Late

My humor and positive attitude seem to be slowly draining away from life over this past week. I wouldn't say I'm stressed, really, but overwhelmed, yes. I have two mid-terms next week that have an incredible amount of preparation and studying. We also continue to have papers and readings and homework due. The homework is what's driving me crazy. Each assignment takes about 10 hours, on average, to complete. So I'd say I spend at least 40 hours each week doing homework, studying, and reading. That doesn't include sleeping, working, eating, meetings, searching for internships, and taking a break.

Faint thoughts are starting to creep into my head, like "Is this really worth it?" I'm not so sure at the moment. Probably because I'm not even halfway through with this semester, and can't see how it could possibly get busier and more difficult, although I know it will. I know my classmates also feel the same pressure, but they just seem to understand things better and faster than I do. I just feel slow.

There have been a few bright spots lately, though. I'm attending a new small group every Tuesday from my church. I don't care how busy I am; I always make sure I can go to church and small group. I love the fellowship and the people, but sometimes my brain also hurts after that. Everyone in this town is so intellectual--even Bible studies can make my head swim.

The trees are also turning amazingly gorgeous colors, and it's been warmer of late. One morning last week I had to scrape frost off my car at 7:30 a.m. That was a wee bit cold for early October. Now it's warmer again.

And tonight I'm going over to my friends' house to make Greek pizza and then we'll all go over to campus to see the ballet. I think I might really cry when I see ballet on stage again!

My dearest Chinese friend and I still communicate through email. Here's some of the encouraging words and unsolicited boyfriend advice she shared with me this week:

"my dearest baby laura 谢佳曦！

i've seen your pictures. i'm really glad that you are a little fat with your face, haha don't mind the word of fat, it's okay for you! canse you are so thin. i know the life for you is a little difficult now, but both of us sure that Father is always here.

my baby laura, even i'm really busy now. but i feel it's empty when the weekend is come. i miss the day that i went old campus every weekend on Saturday almost TWO YEARS. i really miss the time i spend with you!

Kelsey told me and also you must knew it that she will get marry in 2012. wow... how blessed she is! it's must so happy the husband is a brother! i'm so happy for her! and envious of her! haha. and i said to Father too i know he's prepare for you a good man. it's just not the time now. baby laura. you are a good girl of Father. be confident to yourself as Father to gave you of him. the good boy is waiting for you, not you are waiting for a boy..."

So I will continue to keep going, trusting in Him and waiting on Him for everything!