November blues

It is a very crisp, windy November evening. When I left work around 5 today, the sun was already setting, and little snowflakes were plummeting from the gray sky. I can't help but mourn a bit when colder weather sets in. I was born in the summer, and I think I will always be a summery person. The 110 degree heat in Kansas or in Nanchang, China never bothered me as much as the below-freezing winter. When the end of fall rolls around, I just feel like hibernating and becoming a recluse.

But, alas, I cannot and will not hibernate or become a recluse--there's too much to do and too many people to see. Maybe if I stay super occupied, soon it will be April before I know it. Here are a few random things going that you can be thinking of:

-I'm beginning to host a weekly Bible study at my house for several Chinese friends who are not believers, but want to know more about the Word. Please be lifting this time up!

-There are only a few very short weeks left until the end of this semester! I want to be diligent with my studies and projects, while still dedicating lots of time to other people.

-Many of my wonderful friends are finding awesome jobs already, and it's difficult for me to celebrate with them and not envious. Please think of my heart and that I will fully trust God for my future.

What a beautiful sight on campus and what a beautiful Creator we have!

Welcome, November

How can it be November already? How can stores already be decorated for Christmas? How can all my overwhelming class projects be due so soon?

I know a lot has happened in the past week, although now I can't remember hardly a thing...

I suppose it all started last week when I got to hang out at the public radio station for work. My supervisor was a guest on the "Noon Edition" of WFIU, and I helped him with his research! I was very pleased with my diligent efforts on trying to understand why Bloomington's poverty rate is so high. At one point I wanted to grab the mic and talk, but only because I've been on Chinese television in front of tens of millions of people. Being on a radio station in front of maybe a couple thousand people is a piece of cake! But I was quietly locked away in the control room where I could only watch all the interesting behind-the-scenes work. For example, callers can ask the guests questions. One guy was put through to the show before they had properly vetted him. You could tell he couldn't speak very good English, and he didn't realize he was on a radio show:

Radio host man: "Go ahead, caller, what is your question for our guests today?"

Mysterious caller: "Ummmm, hello?"

Radio host man: "Yes, we can hear you very well. What is your question?"

Mysterious caller: "Hello? Ummmm.... is Travis there?"

(Everyone slowly realized that Mysterious Caller had the wrong number.)

Radio host man tries to recover: "Eh, sorry, must be a bad connection."

So everything seems to be interesting these days, especially when I try to keep an adventuresome spirit. It was honestly another super challenging week, especially getting rejected from yet another job and having difficult conversations with people. But I was reading in my devotional to try and re-frame setbacks as opportunities. That is indeed my goal.

In other news, my dad and wife, Marilyn, are currently visiting! It's been fun to show them around our fair little city and eat at good restaurants. Today I took them to nearby quaint Nashville, Indiana, where we got to walk around and look at never-ending antique and knick-knack shops.

There's not a whole lot else to share, but so far November is a fascinating month...

With my dad on a beautiful November afternoon!

Giant, awkward ice-cream cone in Nashville! I couldn't finish eating the whole thing...

Being in Nashville is like being in a Hallmark card or something.

Fresh trails of adventure

I don't mean to always be a Johnny Raincloud, but it just seems like difficult things have been happening in life lately. Things that sort of hurt, and make you feel rejected and raw, even though I have so much to be thankful for and am quite content. Lately I feel like I have been spending much more time in the Father's presence, and am growing other ways spiritually, mentally, and as a well-rounded person. Maybe I'll just let what I wrote in my journal a few minutes ago speak for itself:

"This day started out well, but then wasn't so great by the afternoon. I found out two of my close school friends got jobs at the consulting firm I interviewed for, but I didn't. So I feel pretty disappointed about that... Then a few minutes later I discovered that I didn't pass the Foreign Service exam, which was probably even more disappointing, because you can only take the exam once a year. I missed the cutoff by only 5 points. I think I feel down also because I thought I was well qualified for both jobs and did well in my interviews... So, Lord, I'm going to be honest. I am sad and disappointed. I feel rejected and like a loser--sort of like when John broke up with me.

BUT, I know you have promised to work all things for my good. Maybe later I'll learn why I didn't get offered those jobs and I'll grasp the bigger picture. Maybe in your divine wisdom and grace you were saving me for something better. Maybe you were sparing me from a lot of grief and turmoil later. Maybe you didn't want me to work in a stressful consulting job where I wouldn't have time for people or you. Maybe you didn't want me to live in a place like Azerbaijan where I'd be isolated and cut off from community. Whatever your reasons, Lord, I choose to respect them and trust in your plans. I will follow your leading and not my own dreams or plans. Lord, replace my sadness and disappointment with a thankful and glad heart."

After I closed my journal, I read my devotional and Bible, where I also heard words of truth. In the devotional, it was like God was speaking to me:

"I, the Creator of the Universe, am the most creative Being imaginable. I will not leave you circling in deeply rutted paths. Instead, I will lead you along fresh trails of adventure, revealing to you things you did not know. Stay in communication with Me. Follow my guiding presence."

And then in Psalm 32:8:

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you."

So, I'm heavy-hearted that those two jobs didn't work out. I automatically think about how challenging and interesting they would have been. And then I think about how I'm sure I'll end up jobless, homeless, bored stiff, and all alone in life. The very chilly, gray day and cold I'm battling sure don't help things! Yes, I'm sad, but no, this isn't the end of life. I will move forward and keep going and continue growing. God indeed has "fresh trails of adventure" in store for me now and in the future.

When I got home from work today, I was reminded of what is most important in life, like people. Last weekend I took my Chinese neighbors with me to an international fall party with folks from church. Here is a picture of Bingjing's happy pumpkin he carved. He put it outside in between our doors, so I can see it and smile when I come home.

Bingjing and his friendly pumpkin.

Mirrors and glass

Earlier this morning, I woke up with watery eyes and a crisp, sore throat. Sickness had finally found me. I had definitely worn myself out over the past week and have been running on empty. Despite feeling crummy, I still forced myself to head over to the gym. My body was tired, but it was even more tired of sitting all day long for a million days. The gym was pretty empty at 9 a.m. this Saturday morning on the campus of a huge party school.

One of the disorienting things about this huge workout area is the abundance of mirrors. They are literally everywhere; sometimes I can't even find the exit out, because all I see are mirrors. I managed to find a treadmill, though, in front of one of the few windows overlooking campus. It was a beautiful view--all the old stately buildings and gorgeous trees were just reflecting the first rays of morning sunshine. Next to me were other girls who planted themselves on the treadmills with huge ceiling to floor mirrors right in front of them. Most of the glamorous people who grace the gym tend to only look at themselves while they work out. It made me think of how much they're missing! If they look outside themselves, they can discover a bigger, more life-giving picture--the bold, beautiful, and broken world out there, and God's redeeming work.

This theme seemed to carry over into my quiet time, when I brought all my sadness and frustrations to the Lord. Yesterday I seemed to reach the end of my rope, and was almost crazy with helplessness and despair. So when I was spending time with God today, I had a vision of all my sins shattered like glass on the ground. I wanted to pick up the glass and make something whole of it, but my hands only got raw and bloody by the sharp, jagged pieces. Then Jesus said that He will pick up the pieces for me; I can't do it. I can't make myself whole again, only He can. He didn't sweep the sin and brokenness entirely away, because they were still a part of me and my story. Instead, He picked up all the pieces and made a beautiful glass sculpture out of it. I couldn't really see clearly what it looked like, but the sculpture was of a person--the woman God had intended me to be. The glass reflected the light like a rainbow with a million different colors. He desires for other people and me to see that sculpture and the beauty that was made out of brokenness, but the point isn't to see ME. Instead, the light radiating from the glass points to His glory and His goodness and His faithfulness and His provision and His peace and His love and His sovereignty.

Little Miss Sunshine

Today I was telling a friend about some of the neat things happening in life lately, mostly in relationships and interactions with people. He saw a mug the other day of "Little Miss Sunshine," and said it reminded him of me.

That was a really encouraging comment to hear. I've been praying that I can be a light and encouragement to people, especially when people seem easily despaired these days.

One of the chances I had to be a light yesterday was at an event through work at the American Legion post for veterans who are homeless or on the verge of homelessness. When I got there in the rain, I wasn't feeling that thrilled. I had my glasses on, and felt tired after being in classes all morning.

For a while I sat at an information table with a guy about my age who seemed a little too interested. I prayed for an opportunity to do something useful. At that point the Legion started putting out fried chicken and lots of warm, yummy, unhealthy food for everyone to have lunch. I saw several veterans get their plates and sit down at a table very quietly, like they didn't want to impose on people.

So I decided exactly what I could do! I grabbed my own plate of fried chicken and carried it over to some old, crusty looking veterans. One was a huge black guy who had just gotten his haircut at the event, and the other guys still hadn't had their hair cut in probably forever. They looked a little surprised that I would sit with them, but I was more surprised that other people weren't sitting with the veterans.

I'm pretty sure I sat there for over an hour and learned a ton about them. I couldn't help but notice their torn clothes, dirty fingers, missing teeth, and sort of unpleasant smell about them. We were sitting so close, and one guy would lightly pat my arm whenever he laughed. My white sweater probably wasn't too happy, but I was extremely content. It was like I could truly feel Jesus' presence there. I mostly just listened to these men, and was struck at how sharp and witty they were.

They told me about their favorite books, where they hang out when it's cold, memories from their childhood, and how they have to move from one food kitchen to another for each meal. One guy, "Charlie," commented how he enjoyed this meal, because he didn't feel like a burden, and he could enjoy his food without feeling rushed. Charlie and I had a good conversation about South America and the meaning of "happiness." He said he was pretty happy, but also he was pretty sure he'd die in the woods someday.

When it was time for me to go, I had to practically tear myself away from the small group that had gathered at our table. I'm pretty sure I'll probably see them around again. It was just an honor to be able to eat and talk with them. They were so extremely kind, and probably just wanted people to talk to them like they're real people, which they certainly are...

In other news, I've been interviewing for jobs and going to fancy dinners. Here's my sophisticated look from a dinner last night. Because it's blurry, you probably can't see the pinstripes on the pants or pretty ruffles around the neck. Gosh, ruffles really don't matter in life, especially after hanging out with my homeless friends. But hopefully I can continue to be a light no matter what situation I might be in--with well-off or down-trodden folks, because Christ loves them all so much!

The executive look.

Hello, midterms

First, I just want to say that I'm thankful for a lot of great activities, conversations, and events that have occurred over the past several days. The Father has been very patient and gracious even when I haven't been.

Here are some of the neat things that have been happening, plus some prayer requests. I'm sorry my blog post sounds like a 6 year-old wrote it, because my brain is currently feeling like mashed potatoes!

-I'm still attending Chinese church, and it is always amazing to observe the believers lead worship and studies. It is also extremely amazing to observe non-believers coming closer to knowing the truth. Although I don't understand too much of what is going on, I help with rides and answering some questions about the Bible when they ask me for my perspective.

-I found out I have a job interview for a spectacular company in D.C. The interview is this Friday at 2 p.m. (Eastern time). Please pray that I will represent my skills and character well, and that it will work out how God plans.

-The weekend was filled with hours upon hours of painful, but productive homework. I also took advantage of the perfect weather by going on a long bike ride into the countryside with a friend. Saturday night several of my friends and I also attended a ballet, and then our InterVarsity group of women had a meal and hymn sing together. It was just an incredibly blessed weekend!

-This past Sunday I became an official member of my church after a four week process, which included classes and meeting with elders of the church. I'm really thrilled to have made that commitment to such a strong and active fellowship, although I won't be here too much longer.

-It's been difficult lately to not be anxious. I'm trying to cast all my cares on Him, but it's challenging when the world (and school) tells you that those are cares you should shoulder all the time, even if they are crushing you...

Here's just some pictures for your enjoyment:

My bike couldn't quite reach the speed limit.

Looking quite fallish.

Going to the ballet with Cindy and friends. The taco truck didn't come with us.

Hymn sing with the ladies!

Refining fire

I sound like a broken record I'm sure, but life just flies by! Each week goes by so quickly, but it seems like there are thousands of classes, events, and conversations packed into the span of 7 days. Each week is also filled with its unique challenges, triumphs, and adventures. Each week I am reminded how completely inadequate I am on my own, but how Christ is more than enough for all of those inadequacies! He continues to refine me, which can be painful, but extremely necessary. How is that the older you get, the more conscious you are of your sin?

I was reminded of his refining fire last night at a bonfire with my friends from the Chinese fellowship. We drove out east to Lake Monroe just as the sun was about to set. I was surprised to see everyone decked out in super hip hiking/bonfiring/outdoorsy/adventuring clothes. In typical Chinese fashion, though, we didn't really know where you could actually have a bonfire, because nobody had really checked into it. So we finally found a spot on the shore of the lake. And in un-Chinese fashion, people had come fully prepared with firewood, smore-making material, hotdogs, and plenty of extremely expensive cameras to document the whole experience.

Overall, it was such a wonderful evening with fun friends, and I remembered to revel in the Father's creativity, especially as the dusk faded to darkness. One of my friends there who isn't a believer, even exclaimed to me, "God is a marvelous artist!" I agree! I was surrounded by warm laughter, countless bright stars sprinkled across the sky, and the knowledge that God has our lives in His hands.

Have a beautiful October, and don't forget to marvel in His handiwork--people and nature!

P.S. I'm taking a big State Department exam Monday morning and afternoon. Please remember me in your thoughts!

Dear Helen. She had never seen leaves turn different colors before.

At Lake Monroe with some of my friends!

Several Ph.D. students trying to light the fire.

Success!