I've been living in a fog and finally realized that it's really truly a brand new year! Over the past couple of weeks I have tried to start writing another blog post and seem almost overwhelmed by paralysis. I used to love writing, and now I feel like I can barely write a single word that truly reflects what God is teaching me or what's on my heart. For once in my life, words just aren't adequate. I also get to be a "guest" blogger on our InterVarsity Graduate Faculty Ministry blog this upcoming week. What should I express? Where do I start?
I could write about all the struggles going on in my heart and mind, especially about the future, but I won't. At this point in time, I just desperately want to keep my eyes fixed on Christ, and everything else always falls into place. The biggest temptation grad school seems to offer on a regular basis is to be consumed by self.
We started classes up again this week. It's my final semester! Sometimes I still think I made a horrible mistake by coming back to America to get my degree in something that has turned out to not really interest me. But I have been able to be used by God for His glory and purposes not only in the classroom, but especially outside of it. Who knew that God would give boldness to share the Gospel and befriend so many people even in southern Indiana?
So I have chosen not to dwell on the "what ifs" and "should haves." There are different seasons in life, and this one has just been particularly challenging and often frustrating. However, although I feel like I've often walked in the desert, God has been there all along. I've grown and been refined in ways I didn't think were possible. Through the desert experience I've had to call out to God nearly constantly, and even in the desert there is beauty! I've grown up a lot in the past year or so...
Oh, and if you're looking for an awesome, relevant read this winter, you should definitely read "A Praying Life," by Paul Miller. It's probably one of the top three books I've read, which is high praise coming from someone who regularly reads 3 or 4 books (excluding textbooks!) a month.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Saturday, December 31, 2011
So long, 2011!
It is still 2011 here in Kansas. After several gorgeous days of sunny, 60 degree weather a cold front has just blown through and winds are gusting around 40 mph. Tonight on the last night of 2011 I am just reflecting over the past year. I just came from my dad's house, where I ate a great dinner with my dad, Marilyn, and three of her grandchildren, who are all teenagers. I asked how old they are. Then they asked me my age, probably thinking I was 20 or something, because I talk like it and still dress like it. I said, "25" and felt like I was lying. But I'm not.
I just don't feel 25. Aren't a lot of 25 year olds different? Most of them seem to have a job, wear grown up clothes, maybe are married, and might have a kid or three. And they probably have nice highlights in their hair. I feel like a fraudulent 25 years old. I still have no clue what I want to do when I grow up, I'm quite content to be single, I've never tasted alcohol, and I still leap down all the stairs when coming downstairs. I pay my rent and buy gas for my car, but beyond that, I don't think I qualify as a proper 25 year old.
Anyway, this past year as a 24 and 25 year old has been probably one of the most challenging and colorful years of my life (to borrow words from my Chinese friends). When I think about 2011, I think about the desert, to be honest. This past year I have made so many mistakes and taken a lot of wrong turns. But the amazing thing is that I don't walk through the desert alone! Jesus has always waited for me with open arms.
And there were a lot of non-deserty experiences in 2011 that I can focus on:
-Thriving in grad school despite the desire to give up!
-Going to fancy parties with Congressmen and ambassadors in D.C.
-Beginning to like running.
-Growing in so many relationships with friends and family.
-Learning to be more authentic.
-Reading through the New Testament.
-Trusting in God more and more each day.
-Realizing that anxiety has been replaced by peace in my heart.
Thanks for the memories, 2011! And hello, 2012!
In closing here are just a few pictures from the past several days at home. I was blessed to have two little sisters under my tutelage. :)
Andrea and Christina, who stayed with us for 10 days.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care...
International game night at Kathy's!
I just don't feel 25. Aren't a lot of 25 year olds different? Most of them seem to have a job, wear grown up clothes, maybe are married, and might have a kid or three. And they probably have nice highlights in their hair. I feel like a fraudulent 25 years old. I still have no clue what I want to do when I grow up, I'm quite content to be single, I've never tasted alcohol, and I still leap down all the stairs when coming downstairs. I pay my rent and buy gas for my car, but beyond that, I don't think I qualify as a proper 25 year old.
Anyway, this past year as a 24 and 25 year old has been probably one of the most challenging and colorful years of my life (to borrow words from my Chinese friends). When I think about 2011, I think about the desert, to be honest. This past year I have made so many mistakes and taken a lot of wrong turns. But the amazing thing is that I don't walk through the desert alone! Jesus has always waited for me with open arms.
And there were a lot of non-deserty experiences in 2011 that I can focus on:
-Thriving in grad school despite the desire to give up!
-Going to fancy parties with Congressmen and ambassadors in D.C.
-Beginning to like running.
-Growing in so many relationships with friends and family.
-Learning to be more authentic.
-Reading through the New Testament.
-Trusting in God more and more each day.
-Realizing that anxiety has been replaced by peace in my heart.
Thanks for the memories, 2011! And hello, 2012!
In closing here are just a few pictures from the past several days at home. I was blessed to have two little sisters under my tutelage. :)
Monday, December 19, 2011
Homecoming
Wow, where has life gone? A week ago I was taking finals in Bloomington and now I've returned home to the prairie. It feels like this December has been full of little adventures, trials, and triumphs.
During my last days of the semester in Btown, I had a marvelous time finishing up tons of huge papers and exams, which is nothing new or interesting. Thankfully I finished well, and didn't get sick or fall apart at the very end.
One of the best events was the Christmas party Cindy and I hosted for some of our closest international students friends. We baked gingerbread cookies from scratch and even played "Christmas Bingo," which Cindy and I designed quite cleverly. It was refreshing to be laughing and baking and talking with our friends who don't really know much about the holiday.
In that last week our Chinese study of the Word also completed discussing "Who is Jesus?" It was a really challenging Bible study, and I just pray that everyone continues to have open hearts and minds!
I returned back home to Topeka a few days ago, and then pretty much immediately went to central Kansas to visit a friend. It's like an entirely different culture there! Topeka does not seem to be representative of the state. We did some fun, crazy activities, like visiting one of the "8 Wonders of Kansas"--the Underground Salt Museum and seeing the world's longest grain elevator (.5 miles) in Hutchinson. There seemed to be a barn or grain elevator every direction you turned.
The Salt Museum was probably the most exciting. It is part of a salt mine that has been in operation since the 1920s, and is still functioning! Apparently they have enough salt down there to mine for another 25,000 years... We had to wear hard hats, and they gave us air canisters to wear on our hips, in case there is a fire or carbon monoxide is released down there. And "down there" was 650 feet below the ground, or about 65 stories. We got into a freight elevator and slowly descended down the shaft, which took about 2 minutes in total pitch black darkness. The darkness was so profound that I had to close my eyes.
Once we got out of the lift, it was quite well-lit in the mine, which was miles long and wide. It was sort of like a miniature city down there. Much of what enters the mine never leaves. For example, we could see rusty vehicles and trash from the 1950s on the ground, which is very well preserved in the environment. Other things are also well preserved there. A storage company has an underground vault there to protect documents and artifacts from disasters. We could see tons of cases of films, which Hollywood companies had sent there to protect forever. You could also see lots of movie costumes, which were also preserved underground.
After about 3 hours wandering around, my mouth could start tasting the salt in the air. It was a really neat experience, but I was so thankful when we got above ground and stood out literally on the prairie. The Kansas sky, sunshine, and miles of flat, gold-colored land stretched out before us was one of the most beautiful sights in the world I think!
Now I've returned north to Topeka, the state capital. After spending the weekend a good 200 miles away, you could start of understand why a lot of Kansans feel disconnected with the capital. The people in much of the rest of the state are extremely independent. Most of the economy is tied to agriculture. And I think the people have to also be resilient to live out there in the middle of nowhere, on the wild, wind-swept prairie, which seems bigger than the ocean!
It's rather nice to be back in civilization, but I know I also need to keep busy the next couple of weeks. It's been raining a lot today, which I don't remember happening that much here. For example, when I got home, I shook off my umbrella and realized I didn't know where to put it. Where have I put my wet umbrella in the past? I recall rarely using an umbrella, especially since if it did rain here, it was normally during crazy thunderstorms that swept through at night. After all those thoughts went through my mind, I decided on the garage as a good resting place for my umbrella. It's nice to be home!
Christmas cookie bakers in our apartment from Vietnam and China!
Helen, a spectacular cookie decorator.
Our Christmas party bunch.
An awesome statue in Wichita.
Dusk in the middle of Kansas.
During my last days of the semester in Btown, I had a marvelous time finishing up tons of huge papers and exams, which is nothing new or interesting. Thankfully I finished well, and didn't get sick or fall apart at the very end.
One of the best events was the Christmas party Cindy and I hosted for some of our closest international students friends. We baked gingerbread cookies from scratch and even played "Christmas Bingo," which Cindy and I designed quite cleverly. It was refreshing to be laughing and baking and talking with our friends who don't really know much about the holiday.
In that last week our Chinese study of the Word also completed discussing "Who is Jesus?" It was a really challenging Bible study, and I just pray that everyone continues to have open hearts and minds!
I returned back home to Topeka a few days ago, and then pretty much immediately went to central Kansas to visit a friend. It's like an entirely different culture there! Topeka does not seem to be representative of the state. We did some fun, crazy activities, like visiting one of the "8 Wonders of Kansas"--the Underground Salt Museum and seeing the world's longest grain elevator (.5 miles) in Hutchinson. There seemed to be a barn or grain elevator every direction you turned.
The Salt Museum was probably the most exciting. It is part of a salt mine that has been in operation since the 1920s, and is still functioning! Apparently they have enough salt down there to mine for another 25,000 years... We had to wear hard hats, and they gave us air canisters to wear on our hips, in case there is a fire or carbon monoxide is released down there. And "down there" was 650 feet below the ground, or about 65 stories. We got into a freight elevator and slowly descended down the shaft, which took about 2 minutes in total pitch black darkness. The darkness was so profound that I had to close my eyes.
Once we got out of the lift, it was quite well-lit in the mine, which was miles long and wide. It was sort of like a miniature city down there. Much of what enters the mine never leaves. For example, we could see rusty vehicles and trash from the 1950s on the ground, which is very well preserved in the environment. Other things are also well preserved there. A storage company has an underground vault there to protect documents and artifacts from disasters. We could see tons of cases of films, which Hollywood companies had sent there to protect forever. You could also see lots of movie costumes, which were also preserved underground.
After about 3 hours wandering around, my mouth could start tasting the salt in the air. It was a really neat experience, but I was so thankful when we got above ground and stood out literally on the prairie. The Kansas sky, sunshine, and miles of flat, gold-colored land stretched out before us was one of the most beautiful sights in the world I think!
Now I've returned north to Topeka, the state capital. After spending the weekend a good 200 miles away, you could start of understand why a lot of Kansans feel disconnected with the capital. The people in much of the rest of the state are extremely independent. Most of the economy is tied to agriculture. And I think the people have to also be resilient to live out there in the middle of nowhere, on the wild, wind-swept prairie, which seems bigger than the ocean!
It's rather nice to be back in civilization, but I know I also need to keep busy the next couple of weeks. It's been raining a lot today, which I don't remember happening that much here. For example, when I got home, I shook off my umbrella and realized I didn't know where to put it. Where have I put my wet umbrella in the past? I recall rarely using an umbrella, especially since if it did rain here, it was normally during crazy thunderstorms that swept through at night. After all those thoughts went through my mind, I decided on the garage as a good resting place for my umbrella. It's nice to be home!
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Miles of memories
I have never had such a long drought of words for this blog, it seems. Most every single one of my brain cells seems dedicated to surviving the last 2 weeks of this semester. I could go on and on about the tons of papers, projects, presentations, finals, and work assignments I'm having to complete, but that's not very interesting at all. So I'll refrain and see where my thoughts take me.
Now what can I talk about? Hmmm... Finally, finally I'm reading "Crazy Love," by Francis Chan. I remember watching or listening to some of his sermons in China, where my teammates first introduced me to him. An amazing book! Again, if my brain cells weren't so fried, I could maybe share something insightful from the book. Maybe next blog post!
I've decided that one of the best sounds on earth is listening to the train that plows through the middle of the night very near to our apartment. There is always something comforting and constant about the rhythmic sounds of it steadily progressing down the tracks. Some of my favorite/most interesting moments in life have been on a train:
-In college my sister Andrea and I took Amtrak all the way from Topeka, KS to Rochester, NY--an impressive 28 hour journey sitting up the whole time. The trip commenced at about 3:30 a.m. in the little shack of a train station in Topeka. We boarded the train, which had come from who-knows-where. The entire train was sleeping, but the conductor began singing, "Chicago! Chicagoooo!" when he asked us where our transfer was. Then the train journeyed slowly through Kansas City, the most remote parts of Missouri and Iowa, and into Chicago. The train stopped at tiny little outposts on the prairie to mostly pick up Amish people and retired folks. It was extremely adventuresome. After switching trains in Chicago, we headed northeast through Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and New York. We had a great time seeing "Americana" close up.
-That same summer I took my first Chinese train, which was in every way different from an American train--much more chaotic and fun. It was a grueling journey on an ancient train from Beijing to Ningxia province, which lasted an entire 24 hours. It was my first experience with hard sleeper cars, each filled with at least 60 talkative, friendly, smoking, interesting people. I remember waking up on the third or top bunk, with a little boy hovering right in my face as he perched precariously on the rack intended for luggage. He was giggling, "Meiguoren, Meiguoren," (American).
-On that same trip, I also rode on a slow train through Ningxia province on the hard seats. I remember walking through cars and cars filled with peasants and farmers, most of them Muslim Hui people, trying to find a seat. At that time Ningxia was the poorest place in China, and might still be. They all lived on less than a 50 cents a day probably, and had never ever seen a foreigner. I remember finally wedging myself onto a seat, with the windows wide open in the middle of the desert! It was mesmerizing, to be surrounded by the poorest of the poor in the expansive desert and dried up creek beds, where the only signs of color was in the fields of sunflowers or thick, black smoke from powerplants.
-Later when I returned to China for 2 years, I had numerous other opportunities to take the train. It was always an adventure--the rush to get to the train with thousands of other people, praying not to get trampled, having little conversations in my very poor, broken Chinese, eating snacks with random strangers, having policemen check up on us, holding tiny babies, singing songs, reading books, looking at the endless landscape of people hunched over rice paddies and plowing fields with water buffalo, watching little children running alongside the train...
I guess trains for me represent adventure and new sights. Whenever I hear the lonely whistle of an Indiana Railroad freight train at night, I think about hopping on it, just to enjoy the journey and the view.
Here's a short collection of some of my train journey pictures throughout the years. Pictures can describe everything much better than words!
A shiny Amtrak train, America (2006)
Train through Ningxia, China (2006)
Ningxia (2006)
Hui Muslims in Ningxia (2006)
Beijing West train station (2009?)
A Chinese train station waiting room (2009)
Train in Jiangxi Province--that's me walking along the platform! (2010)
Typical view from a train in southern China (2009)
Now what can I talk about? Hmmm... Finally, finally I'm reading "Crazy Love," by Francis Chan. I remember watching or listening to some of his sermons in China, where my teammates first introduced me to him. An amazing book! Again, if my brain cells weren't so fried, I could maybe share something insightful from the book. Maybe next blog post!
I've decided that one of the best sounds on earth is listening to the train that plows through the middle of the night very near to our apartment. There is always something comforting and constant about the rhythmic sounds of it steadily progressing down the tracks. Some of my favorite/most interesting moments in life have been on a train:
-In college my sister Andrea and I took Amtrak all the way from Topeka, KS to Rochester, NY--an impressive 28 hour journey sitting up the whole time. The trip commenced at about 3:30 a.m. in the little shack of a train station in Topeka. We boarded the train, which had come from who-knows-where. The entire train was sleeping, but the conductor began singing, "Chicago! Chicagoooo!" when he asked us where our transfer was. Then the train journeyed slowly through Kansas City, the most remote parts of Missouri and Iowa, and into Chicago. The train stopped at tiny little outposts on the prairie to mostly pick up Amish people and retired folks. It was extremely adventuresome. After switching trains in Chicago, we headed northeast through Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and New York. We had a great time seeing "Americana" close up.
-That same summer I took my first Chinese train, which was in every way different from an American train--much more chaotic and fun. It was a grueling journey on an ancient train from Beijing to Ningxia province, which lasted an entire 24 hours. It was my first experience with hard sleeper cars, each filled with at least 60 talkative, friendly, smoking, interesting people. I remember waking up on the third or top bunk, with a little boy hovering right in my face as he perched precariously on the rack intended for luggage. He was giggling, "Meiguoren, Meiguoren," (American).
-On that same trip, I also rode on a slow train through Ningxia province on the hard seats. I remember walking through cars and cars filled with peasants and farmers, most of them Muslim Hui people, trying to find a seat. At that time Ningxia was the poorest place in China, and might still be. They all lived on less than a 50 cents a day probably, and had never ever seen a foreigner. I remember finally wedging myself onto a seat, with the windows wide open in the middle of the desert! It was mesmerizing, to be surrounded by the poorest of the poor in the expansive desert and dried up creek beds, where the only signs of color was in the fields of sunflowers or thick, black smoke from powerplants.
-Later when I returned to China for 2 years, I had numerous other opportunities to take the train. It was always an adventure--the rush to get to the train with thousands of other people, praying not to get trampled, having little conversations in my very poor, broken Chinese, eating snacks with random strangers, having policemen check up on us, holding tiny babies, singing songs, reading books, looking at the endless landscape of people hunched over rice paddies and plowing fields with water buffalo, watching little children running alongside the train...
I guess trains for me represent adventure and new sights. Whenever I hear the lonely whistle of an Indiana Railroad freight train at night, I think about hopping on it, just to enjoy the journey and the view.
Here's a short collection of some of my train journey pictures throughout the years. Pictures can describe everything much better than words!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Thanksgivingness
Suddenly I'm all blogged out! I feel like I don't have much to say that's worthwhile. It's crunch time for school, and I'll be finished with the semester in less than 3 weeks now! It was a gloriously wonderful Thanksgiving break last week, especially because I had been going nonstop with classes and work for 13 straight weeks by that point and was on the verge of falling apart! So I enjoyed being with my family and am incredibly thankful for so much.
I was reading in my devotional about thankfulness: "To protect your thankfulness, you must remember that you reside in a fallen world, where blessings and sorrows intermingle freely. A constant focus on adversity defeats many Christians. They walk through a day that is brimming with beauty and brightness, seeing only the grayness of their thoughts. Neglecting the practice of giving thanks has darkened their minds. But we can walk through the darkest day with joy in our hearts because we know that the light of His presence is still shining us..."
Thanks for reading, faithful readers! I'm thankful for you!
Thankful for Andrea's awesome apple pie baking skills
Thankful for precious family members
I was reading in my devotional about thankfulness: "To protect your thankfulness, you must remember that you reside in a fallen world, where blessings and sorrows intermingle freely. A constant focus on adversity defeats many Christians. They walk through a day that is brimming with beauty and brightness, seeing only the grayness of their thoughts. Neglecting the practice of giving thanks has darkened their minds. But we can walk through the darkest day with joy in our hearts because we know that the light of His presence is still shining us..."
Thanks for reading, faithful readers! I'm thankful for you!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Purpose-driven life
I have officially been writing this blog for over 3 years and roughly 360 posts! Since I was stalling on starting homework tonight, I started browsing through some of my old posts when I first arrived in China. I was transported right back to the chaotic streets of Nanchang and the energetic classrooms of Blue Sky. Now I've totally forgotten about my homework and feel even less motivation to start on it. So I decided I'd write another blog post to add to the epic amount I've already written over the past 3 years. And did you know that when I went to China I had just turned 22?
Writing about life in America just can never quite measure up to all the adventures, trials, and joys of China. But one joy I'm thankful for lately are my three Chinese friends who are studying the Word with me! We had our first official study last weekend, and I recalled all my memories of studying the Word in China with dear friends. I made sure to be an attentive host by serving tea and snacks. Then we dove right in to discussing the character of God. They asked some amazing questions and had some super interesting observations. That study was definitely the highlight of my weekend! After dinner we went to eat BBQ pulled pork sandwiches, which are only $5 and they loved them. Please think of them and their hearts, especially as we continue to study together. The Father has certainly given me a lot of purpose lately, especially in relationships and reaching out to internationals...
Life and school seems to be running a million miles an hour, but today I paused to reflect on my dear Grandma's birthday! She would have been 98 years old today! I still miss her dearly, and think about how she passed away while I was in China, 6,000 miles on the opposite side of the world. Her faith and optimism were always such an encouragement. Hopefully she would still be proud of me! :)
Oh, and my mom and sister come to visit in just a couple of days!
Writing about life in America just can never quite measure up to all the adventures, trials, and joys of China. But one joy I'm thankful for lately are my three Chinese friends who are studying the Word with me! We had our first official study last weekend, and I recalled all my memories of studying the Word in China with dear friends. I made sure to be an attentive host by serving tea and snacks. Then we dove right in to discussing the character of God. They asked some amazing questions and had some super interesting observations. That study was definitely the highlight of my weekend! After dinner we went to eat BBQ pulled pork sandwiches, which are only $5 and they loved them. Please think of them and their hearts, especially as we continue to study together. The Father has certainly given me a lot of purpose lately, especially in relationships and reaching out to internationals...
Life and school seems to be running a million miles an hour, but today I paused to reflect on my dear Grandma's birthday! She would have been 98 years old today! I still miss her dearly, and think about how she passed away while I was in China, 6,000 miles on the opposite side of the world. Her faith and optimism were always such an encouragement. Hopefully she would still be proud of me! :)
Oh, and my mom and sister come to visit in just a couple of days!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
November blues
It is a very crisp, windy November evening. When I left work around 5 today, the sun was already setting, and little snowflakes were plummeting from the gray sky. I can't help but mourn a bit when colder weather sets in. I was born in the summer, and I think I will always be a summery person. The 110 degree heat in Kansas or in Nanchang, China never bothered me as much as the below-freezing winter. When the end of fall rolls around, I just feel like hibernating and becoming a recluse.
But, alas, I cannot and will not hibernate or become a recluse--there's too much to do and too many people to see. Maybe if I stay super occupied, soon it will be April before I know it. Here are a few random things going that you can be thinking of:
-I'm beginning to host a weekly Bible study at my house for several Chinese friends who are not believers, but want to know more about the Word. Please be lifting this time up!
-There are only a few very short weeks left until the end of this semester! I want to be diligent with my studies and projects, while still dedicating lots of time to other people.
-Many of my wonderful friends are finding awesome jobs already, and it's difficult for me to celebrate with them and not envious. Please think of my heart and that I will fully trust God for my future.
What a beautiful sight on campus and what a beautiful Creator we have!
But, alas, I cannot and will not hibernate or become a recluse--there's too much to do and too many people to see. Maybe if I stay super occupied, soon it will be April before I know it. Here are a few random things going that you can be thinking of:
-I'm beginning to host a weekly Bible study at my house for several Chinese friends who are not believers, but want to know more about the Word. Please be lifting this time up!
-There are only a few very short weeks left until the end of this semester! I want to be diligent with my studies and projects, while still dedicating lots of time to other people.
-Many of my wonderful friends are finding awesome jobs already, and it's difficult for me to celebrate with them and not envious. Please think of my heart and that I will fully trust God for my future.
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