Road to Recovery

I finally cried. It was Thursday, several days after my accident. Mom drove me to work--my first day back since the week before. I was feeling okay, although I hadn't ventured much from the house at all that week. The only quick way to get to my office is to drive through the intersection where I was hit. I wasn't really thinking about it, but my chest started getting all constricted as we passed through the intersection. I briefly glanced around, and nothing looked familiar. That's probably understandable, since I was just biking through, and only had a good look at the pavement and the sky, but not all the other buildings or the layout. Little bits and pieces come back to me--the feeling of helplessness as the car crossed into my path. sirens. the yellow jacket of an emergency responder firefighter. so many names and faces. the feeling of my hair velcroed to the neck brace. the bluest blue sky. And there were so many things and people I didn't see. It's a busy part of town. Was someone directing traffic away from the area? Did this accident create a late Sunday afternoon traffic jam? How many people saw or gathered at the scene? What were others thinking and feeling?

So during my lunch break at work, I took a little walk to try and stretch my achy joints and body. I couldn't help but flinch at every noise and cringe as I gingerly walked along the sidewalk. Why were all the cars going so fast? What prevented all those cars from crashing across the sidewalk and into me? Why were those random sirens in the distance so loud? Why were people playing music so light-heartedly from their windows?

On the outside I look almost back to normal. You can only see the purplish-green tint of my kneecaps if you get up close. No one can see the road burns and bandages tucked under my clothes, the pressure inside my bruised chest, the tiniest bones and muscles that scream at me when I move or drive, the feeling that something has been taken from me, the extra effort it takes to look people in the eyes or to concentrate in a conversation, the sadness that I can't dance or run for a while...

The car insurance lady will meet with me this week to discuss my claim. How will I manage to be calm as the company assigns a monetary value to what happened? Last Sunday and Monday I just felt so thrilled to be alive and not paralyzed. I appreciated all of the prayers, phone calls, flowers, and visits. Now I feel frustrated and sad, trying to heal and also just feeling pretty scarred on the inside. It took me several days to finally cry, but now it seems like I could burst into tears with nearly every slightly raised voice or benign look.

Yes, every day I get better inside and out. Soon the memories will dull. I don't want to pity myself, but for now I think it's okay to grieve in order to move on with the rest of life soon in a healthy way. I'm so thankful Mom could be here for a week, mostly for moral support. Every day I make progress. Today I drove for the first time again--who knew how many little itty bitty muscles it takes to drive? I don't want to be bitter or reclusive. Instead I want to have a brave and thankful soul that encourages and uplifts others! I could definitely use your continued thoughts and prayers as I try to do that with God's grace. I know I will especially need those prayers as I begin to deal with bills, insurance, etc...

I've left you with a couple of interesting pictures as a reward for reading this whole post. :)

Hanging out with some close friends the night before the accident. We sang hymns together and shared a great meal. Several of them were little angels to me right after the accident.

I apologize if this isn't classy to post pictures like this on blogs or if you're trying to eat your breakfast. A fun snapshot of my colorful kneecap as of a couple days ago.

Battered, but not defeated

Greetings from Bloomington, the best place to be in an accident!

Today is the 11th anniversary of 9/11. I wasn't really thinking about it too much, because I had some other things on my mind--like being hit by a car.

My life has sort of turned upside down. Sunday morning I went to church and was feeling quite positive about life in general. I came home, put on my little apron, and cooked a large enough meal to last me through the week. The weather was absolutely gorgeous, so I decided to go on a long bike ride, since I knew it would be getting colder soon. I rode to the west side of town and rode along the beautiful B-Line, Rail Trail, and Clear Creek Trail. I remember marveling at the heavenly weather, the sky that looked like God had painted it with an intricate paintbrush, and the fields of wildflowers. I probably biked about 14 miles and then started to head home for dinner, because I was starving and tired.

I was on 7th street downtown heading east and the light was still green as I was crossed College Ave. when a car was suddenly heading at me as it turned left. The driver was a young guy driving a blue Saturn, and he couldn't see me, because he was laughing and talking with the other guy in his car. I knew I was going to momentarily be hit, because I couldn't stop and he didn't see me. I can still hear my own screams as the car plowed into me. I flew across the hood and into the intersection, while my bike disappeared in the direction of the car. Thankfully I wasn't run over. I just remember having a feeling of horror as I dove into the pavement, basically doing a big belly flop at a million miles per hour. I couldn't move and just turned over on my back there in the middle of the intersection. I didn't even think about the other cars lined up at the red light on College. They all saw and heard the impact, apparently. It was about 6 p.m. at this point.

So I was just sprawled out in the intersection knowing I couldn't and shouldn't move. Suddenly a woman was on my left side, crouched down and holding my hand. She said in a perfect Southern accent, "I'm a nurse. My name is Peggy Welch. You're going to be okay!" The guy who hit me called 911. Peggy held onto my hand, asking me questions about myself. I mostly just remember staring at the vivid blue sky, with a few puffy white clouds floating by.

Soon I heard sirens, more voices, and lots of hurriedness. There was a flurry of activity. Peggy disappeared and it seemed like there were 20 different faces hovering around me at different points. They all told me their names. They seemed to repeat the same questions--What's my name? How old am I? Where am I from? What happened? Can I move my legs? I almost wanted to laugh at all the million different men telling me their names. All I could think of was how painful I felt, and how handsome they were! Through parched lips, I kept mumbling answers, staring at the blue sky, and wondering why all the most ridiculously good-looking police offers and emergency responders were kneeling beside me. It's rather bizarre the random things you think about in situations like that.

Eventually several people carefully hoisted me on a backboard, put my neck in a brace, and put me on a stretcher. I could still see the piercingly blue sky around the silhouettes of people. They all seemed to have halos around them. Up until this point I had been quite calm, like I obviously felt the arms of Jesus around me. But then I started getting panicky, because my arms were tingling and then I couldn't feel them. They were going numb. I asked and pleaded, "Why can't I feel my arms?" Nobody responded but just hurried even more. There was a little window in the ceiling of the ambulance, so I could still see that blue sky. The paramedics hooked me up to an IV and put little electrodes on my chest. A couple of minutes later we arrived at the ER and they wheeled my stretcher into the ER, announcing me as a "Two Trauma" case. It was another great flurry of activity and more faces. I could only see the bright lights of the ceiling and think I was sort of going into shock, starting to realize what had happened and wondering if I was paralyzed.

I was also having a hard time breathing, and started to shiver uncontrollably. People were cutting off every article of clothing from me--snip, snip, snip. There went my baggy gym shorts, shirt, bra, underwear. There were more nurses talking to me. Then yet another cute police officer leaning over me. He asked me if I remembered him from the scene of the accident and asked me more questions for a police report. Then he was gone as more hands carried me onto yet another surface and put me through a CT scan--"scanning the heck out of me," according to a doctor later.

I was then taken to another room, where I was assigned my own nurse, Brian, who took great care of me all evening. At this point I felt like I might be dying. They piled blankets on me and put warm fluids through my IV. They hooked me up to a machine to take my vitals, and even put in a catheter. That catheter was probably the worst. Peggy reappeared at this point and sat with me for nearly 2 hours. I felt so alone, but she is a strong believer and prayed with me and kept me company. We started talking about D.C. and it suddenly dawned on me that this was Peggy Welch, the woman who was not just a nurse and a guardian angel, but also a state representative. She's a "conservative Democrat" who has represented Bloomington for 14 years. She was such a huge encouragement and blessing. She called my roommate, Christine, and my mom.

Peggy stayed until about 9:30 when Christine arrived. I was still strapped to the backboard, staring motionlessly at the ceiling, and must have looked rather frightening. I just wanted to cry, because I felt so blessed by such kind people and was so thankful to be alive.

They finally put me in a regular hospital bed when they decided nothing happened to my spine. By this point I was starting to regain feeling in my arms. I was also allowed to have some water and a meal. Christine brought me a Jimmy John's sandwich, which tasted like the best sandwich ever. She called friends to pray for me. I also talked to Mom on the phone, and she booked a flight to come see me the next morning.

Miraculously I had arrived at the hospital seeming near death, and then they discovered I was just badly bruised inside and outside, bloody and burned in some placed, and had swelling, fractures, and contusions in my ribcage and abdomen. Apparently I was the miracle of the evening. When I hobbled out of there about a million hours later with a prescription for painkillers, some baggy clothes Christine brought, and a thankful heart, everyone was smiling so much. One nurse at the door I remember having seen earlier said, "Wow, we were all so worried about you! We're so glad you're going to be okay."

I haven't been able to work this week, and I'm just resting, changing bandages, and talking with the visitors who show up at my door with flowers, cards, and even baked bread. I am totally engulfed by God's love, protection, and provision, as well as the kindness and compassion of strangers, friends, and family.

Today we went to the doctor for a follow-up, and then I went to the police station to talk to an officer who worked on my case. He was on duty, but came back to the station to talk with me. Why does everyone have to be so attractive and kind?? He remembered exactly who I was. He said, "Ah, yes, the girl who was born on July 17th." I asked him some questions about the accident, since I hadn't seen the full report. My story lined up with the driver's and other witnesses. It was entirely the driver's fault. The officer said to email him if I ever had any other questions. I was thinking, "How about dinner maybe?"

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers as I heal and get to go through the process of filling out lots of insurance claims, paper work, etc. I am also somewhat traumatized, and am already having flashbacks... But God is a great healer and it's a wonderful feeling to be alive!!

Family ties

Friday morning I took a shuttle filled mostly with Chinese students up north to Indianapolis, and flew to Detroit and then onto Rochester for a brief, but great visit to see my grandparents.

One of the best parts was looking through old pictures and hearing little snippets of info about relatives on Grandma's side, some of which I've heard before, but is always intriguing:

-Grandma's father swam a river to escape the Russian draft, and left his home country, Lithuania, for a better life in America. He never wanted to go to church in America, because some priests in Lithuania turned in his friends when they confessed they were fleeing the country.
-A great aunt died in a Soviet gulag in Siberia.
-Several relatives were killed by the Nazis in Poland.
-Grandma's grandfather on her mother's side was also from Lithuania. They were well off in Lithuania, but not so much in America. He died working in a mill in Massachusetts, trying to make enough money to get his family back to Lithuania. (Thankfully he didn't succeed, or I wouldn't be here today!)
-Grandma's mom was a great sport and way ahead of her time--she let even let Grandma go on bike trips in New England when she was young.
-Grandma's dad was always dressed in fine suits, because he was a tailor for a big suit-manufacturing company.

Anyway, the main reason for my visit was to see dear, sweet Grandpa! I visited him every day during this visit. He moved into a different nursing home in the middle of the city that is more hospital-like and depressing, especially since it's 10 stories tall. And a lot of the residents seem just plain crazy. Grandpa seems happy, although he had changed quite a bit from our last visit just 2 months ago. He's in a wheelchair now and is a lot thinner. But he is still so cute, with his big smile, huge eyes, and fluffy hair. We sat and talked to him. I held his hand and hugged him a lot. I just melt when he says, "My Laura, my Laura" and hugs me or kisses my cheek. He doesn't really remember much, but I'm still thankful he remembers who we are. He'll be turning 90 this month!

Although Grandpa didn't or couldn't talk much, I got to work on transcribing his journal when he went to Antarctica at the age of 72. That was a great blessing to work on it, because it was like hearing the voice of my grandfather when I was younger and how I remembered him--strong, funny, to-the-point, and able to seemingly do anything. I'm not done with the journal (everyone knows he doesn't have the greatest handwriting), but already I'm amazed at his courage, even when he felt alone and a little scared. Going to Antarctica for a month on a Russian icebreaker was a lifelong dream of his, which only added to other great adventures throughout his life: serving as a pilot in World War 2, traveling to 6 continents, marrying his charming wife, having 4 charming children and several equally charming grandchildren, providing well for his family, working hard his whole career at Kodak, sailing on his sailboat around Lake Ontario, building his own airplane, venturing out to Kansas every summer to see us, trusting in Christ at 86 years of age...

He has definitely inspired me! My whole family inspires me actually. I wouldn't trade any of them for the world. And hopefully I can inspire some people, too, to live a bold and brave life! Yesterday flying back to Indiana, I was talking with the man next to me, who has 3 daughters. We ended up talking about some of the places I've been and things I've experienced and learned thanks to God's grace. He said, "Thank goodness my daughters aren't sitting next to you right now. I'm afraid they would talk to you and then want to go explore the whole world! They'd never be the same again."

Here are a few pictures from this weekend:

With Grandpa!

Grandma, the expert raspberry picker.

All the raspberries Grandma, Aunt Susie, and I picked and then promptly ate...

Diving In

I just finished reading Tim Keller's book, The King's Cross. There was a paragraph that has stuck with me, especially as I have continued to struggle at times about why I'm still here in Bloomington and how to handle it:

"If the circumstances of life don't satisfy the present desires of my heart, I'm not going to suppress those desires, but I'm not going to surrender to them, either. I know that they will only be satisfied, eventually, in the Father. I will trust and obey Him, put myself in His hands, and go forward."

So I'd say I've been choosing to trust and obey Him, while going forward. One of the ways to move forward is by challenging myself to learn new things, and remain engaged with the community and friends. Lately I've neglected some of my greatest loves--fellowship, dance, studying Chinese, and being with international students.

To remedy that, I've started up taking ballet classes at a local nonprofit in town after a 3 month hiatus. The instructor is fabulous, and reminds me of my old ballet teacher--she yells at you, makes you work on a correction over and over again in front of everyone, and is quite eccentric. It's wonderful. I'm also back to my usual Sunday school class at church, and have been attending intermediate Chinese classes at the IU Asian Culture Center. For professional development, service projects, and networking, I joined Rotoract, which is the branch of Rotary club for young professionals. With international students, I've begun volunteering again with the Bloomington International Student Ministry, and enjoyed an awesome picnic with tons of internationals last weekend.

Even though I'm out of school (maybe for good), that doesn't mean I have to stop learning and growing! I've had a lot of great role models in this area, some of whom may be reading this blog. So thank you for the inspiration!

Tomorrow I leave for a long weekend in Rochester to see my grandparents. Please pray for a blessed time with them, and that I will be an encouragement!

Oh, and if you're looking for something else to read, you can check out a little summary of the "How to Thrive in Grad School" panel I was a part of that I mentioned last blog post:

http://gfmatiu.com/2012/08/in-case-you-missed-it/

A steadfast heart

Life continues! This week I have determined I will learn, grow, and try new things. I will not stay stagnant, live fearfully, or dwell on the past and "what ifs." I will take my thoughts captive and trust in my heavenly Father. I will continue to take steps forward. I will be genuine and walk in freedom and the truth. I will keep my gaze on Christ.

The Scripture verse I've been dwelling on this week is Psalm 112:7: "He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord." It seems like waves of bad or unwelcome news have roiled through my life recently, but I have no need to fear! Although it's difficult to see or believe it lately, I am actively choosing to remember that He is good and faithful... no matter what.

Here are some random highlights from this past week:

-Enjoyed plenty of meals and drank lots of tea with old friends who have arrived back in town.
-Hiked in a state forest with another dear old friend.
-Met lots of super friendly and interesting strangers while working at the Bloomington Volunteer Fair.
-Joined a mysterious German man in helping 2 random ladies push their broken-down SUV on the side of the road into a parking lot right before it started pouring.
-Ate lots of ice-cream (I'm starting to gain a reputation at work as the girl who is always eating).
-Tried several new recipes with my roommate.
-Talked to incoming and returning grad students at GFM about "How to Thrive at Grad School." (I'm an expert, right?)
-Ran and biked all over the place.
-Praised God for the amazingly gorgeous weather.

Hope you are having a wonderfully blessed week, while keeping a steadfast heart!

August musings

I'm sorry, dear readers, for rarely writing a blog post these days. I'd like to say it's because nothing really has been going on, but it seems like there's way too much going on. Life has been difficult in a lot of ways: work-wise, relationship-wise, health-wise, grandparent-wise... I'm also surrounded by broken, hurting, poor people on a daily basis, and it's easy to wonder sometimes where God is in all of this. But then I remember to pause, look heavenward, and remember that He is eternally loving, good, faithful, and just.

He has provided interactions with incredible friends, family, and strangers this past week that have offered me amazing encouragement and hope. And like usual, when I focus on others and not myself (much easier in theory!), I find that my problems shrink to tiny proportions. And like usual, when I focus on the cross and not my own shortcomings, I regain perspective.

In short, we worship an awesome God! I have remembered this recently as I reconnected with long-lost friends, befriended an Indian family, went on 13+ mile bike rides, cooked huge dinners with my roommate, went on long walks, and read His Word constantly.

In closing, here's another awesome quote from the Oswald Chamber devotional which struck a chord with me when I was asking God why on earth I'm here:

"Look at God's incredible waste of His saints, according to the world's judgment. God seems to plant His saints in the most useless places. And then we say, 'God intends for me to be here because I am so useful to Him.' Yet Jesus never measured His life by how or where He was the greatest use. God places His saints where they will bring the most glory to Him, and we are totally incapable of judging where that might be."

So maybe that's Bloomington or maybe it's somewhere else eventually, but I choose to trust that God will work all things for good, and that I just need to keep stepping forward in faith.

Growing Pains

Happy late July!

There have been a lot of changes lately in my life--moving, starting a new job, turning 26... I feel like I've reached that point of being a bona fide grown-up, and I'm not exactly sure if I'm ready or able to fill the role. It reminds me of when I was a kid and had growing pains, where I could feel my bones literally growing and stretching. It was pretty painful, especially for a girl like me who was already 5'9" by age 13 or 14. But then, after a while, somehow I morphed from a gangly girl into a willowy ballerina. Like growing pains in your bones, growing pains as a person walking through life can also ache and ache--your heart aches, your mind aches, and your body does too a lot. But then, after a while, somehow you have morphed into a stronger follower of Christ and have continually learned how to love people more and more for His name's sake.

This is a challenging time for a variety of reasons, but especially in considering what purpose or plans God has in store for me. I just pray that I'm allowing God to grow me into the woman He created me to be, even when life doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense.

Then I was reading in my daily devotional centered on Mark 6:45: "He made His disciples get into the boat and go before Him to the other side..."

Oswald Chambers said in this devotional:

"His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished--His purpose is the process itself. What He desires for me is that I see 'Him walking on the sea' with no shore, no success, no goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is all right because I see 'Him walking on the sea' (v. 6:49). It is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God. God's training is for now, not later. His purpose is for this very minute, not for sometime in the future."

Amen!