Whole

It's always rather humorous and sometimes disorienting how we can make plans for the future, but they often don't work out, or they turn out a lot differently than we could have anticipated. For example, since I returned from China in 2010, I thought I was being prepared to go back and serve in some capacity. And I thought that time to head back would be this fall, as I had the opportunity to live in Guangzhou and teach public policy at one of China's top universities.

But, alas, God seems to have other plans. For the time being, my place is here. My doctors have made it clear that I'm not up to snuff yet, especially since I've started to feel a lot more awful again over the past month. I have come a long ways, but healing is a bumpy road, and sometimes there are effects from series of traumatic events that may only appear months later, and not so conveniently (or maybe it is convenient?) when I'm trying to return overseas.

So now I'm not quite sure what to do, although I don't have to worry about it yet. When my job is finished here in July, an option may be to move to Florida to be closer to my sister. That would be such a novel idea--living close to family! Being with Andrea and in a warmer, sunnier climate may do wonders in healing. Now I may never be fully recovered in some ways, and will always have some physical and psychological scars, but I am trusting fully. Who knows what adventures await? Who knows what relationships the future holds? And besides--Chinese people are literally EVERYWHERE, even in Florida. And maybe I'll miraculously learn to love regular, white Americans...

I don't think the 16 year-old Laura would recognize the 26 year-old one. When I was 16, I had been accepted to top ballet programs, knew I was heading to the East Coast for college, had a column in the city paper, and believed I could do and be anything. When I thought of myself being in my mid-20s, I pictured roaming the globe for the New York Times while speaking several languages, having a marvelous boyfriend, and wearing super classy clothes with a gleaming head of gorgeous hair. Haha. So maybe things haven't turned out quite that way (except the hair, of course), but in a lot of ways, my life so far has turned out better. I may often feel broken and scarred, but I also know that there's more to life than what I can see or feel. And when I feel disappointed and discouraged, which seems to be a lot lately, then I remember the scars of our Savior. He knows. He understands. And someday I will be made whole again.

Not yet home

I still have a vivid memory of trudging up the five flights of stairs to my little humble apartment in China. It had been a long day, and I was suddenly overwhelmed by the crushing weight of poverty, corruption, and hopelessness that surrounded me in the country of 1.4 billion souls. I wanted to pack up my things and return home. Then it was like God told me very clearly: "Laura, I don't ask you to change the whole world. I just want you to love and live alongside those I place in your path- one person at a time."

Sometimes I still remember those words that renewed my faith in God's grace and my purpose, when I feel like I'm not doing or being enough. But then I remember I'm loving and living alongside people even now--when I prepare someone's taxes and listen to their stories; when I serve Louisa who thinks my name is "Roberta;" when I hang out with my friends of all nationalities who are dealing with their own struggles; when I share my own stories of struggle, hopes, and challenges with others... So maybe I'm not changing the whole world or even the little town I live in, but that's impossible anyway, and not what we're called to do. We just step out in faith, live our lives to the best of our ability, and invest in those He brings into our lives.

Oh, but some days I wonder how much sadness one can take. When is enough enough? When will it be over? Yes, I have experienced incredible moments of joy, and still do, but so often it seems like the darkness can overwhelm the light. A part of me just wants to rest, take care of myself, heal, put up defenses, build a respectable career, turn inward, and brick my heart off from the pain of the world. But then an even bigger part of my heart knows that I was placed on this earth to be a light and to bring glory to God's name, not my own. I recall 2 Corinthians 3:3: The most important resume or credentials should not be "carved on tablets of stone, but on human hearts."

I agree with C.S. Lewis when he said:

"The settled happiness and security which we all desire, God withholds from us by the very nature of the world: but joy, pleasure, and merriment, He has scattered broadcast. We are never safe, but we have plenty of fun, and some ecstasy. It is not hard to see why. The security we crave would teach us to rest our hearts in this world and oppose an obstacle to our return to God: a few moments of happy love, a landscape, a symphony, a merry meeting with our friends...have no such tendency. Our Father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home."

In other news, please keep my dear 90 year old Grandpa in your prayers! He went in for emergency surgery today, and it's rather serious. Thanks as always!

Life snapshots

Shouting on the phone about spicy hot dogs for all to hear in the middle of Kroger on a busy Saturday morning. Laughter ringing throughout our house during dinners and times of fellowship with close and new friends. Countless conversations of life and financial struggle with low-income people while preparing their federal and state tax returns. Reading brief sentences emailed by my globe-trotting sister in Europe and the Middle East. Flying through the air in ballet class like gravity doesn't exist. Listening to testimonies about how Christ has radically altered lives...

These are just a few snapshots of life this past week. The spicy hot dog episode was related to my volunteering, where I visit a homebound elderly, very hard-of-hearing woman, whom we shall call "Louisa." She writes a list of groceries for me (which includes an impossible to find brand of spicy hotdogs), I go out and get them, and then we just sit and visit awhile. It's sort of similar to the movie "50 First Dates," about a woman who has amnesia, and it's like a first date everyday when she sees her boyfriend. Louisa seems to remember me, but nothing about me, which I don't mind too much. She'll usually ask a refrain of pretty much the same questions each time. It's always 50 First Dates with Louisa. These questions and the variation of my answers include:

Question in a sweet, southern accent, "What are you studying in school?"

Reply in the clearest, loudest voice I can muster: "I just graduated with my master's and am working with a nonprofit."

"Where are you from again? Pennsylvania?"

I automatically reply, "Kansas," without explaining all about Virginia, China... Once I mentioned China, but never again, because she was quite worried about communists.

"Why do you voluntarily visit me, since I'm just an old lady?"

A quick internal reflection about why we do anything in life. "Oh, that's easy. I enjoy visiting you and helping out a little." In my mind, I'm thinking about how I miss visiting my own grandparents, or how I hope that I can brighten her day a bit, or how I secretly pray that someone will show me kindness and care when I'm nearly 9 decades old, or how I really should have been born early last century.

"Do you have any cats?" Louisa asks as she strokes the head of an affectionate kitty at her side.

"Nope, I don't have any pets." I don't explain that I'm actually allergic to the cute little fluffy furballs that are purring contentedly on my lap.

"Oh. Well, maybe when you're settled. Tell me about your boyfriend. You know I met my husband on a train during the war."

"I don't currently have a boyfriend, but I have lots of fun, interesting friends," I say confidently, while wishing I could meet my future husband on a train, too, albeit minus the whole being in the middle of a war part.

"You must have a bevy of beaus! Well, you're still young! You're 20, right?"

"Actually I'm 26." I say that, but feel like I'm lying. I don't feel or look 26.

She expresses a mixed look of surprise, shock and concern. "26? You don't look a day over 20. You'll be glad you look so young," says the woman with pictures of her younger, absolutely gorgeous self plastered on every wall of her house.

Then I proceed to ask her lots of questions, asking more about her soldier-husband, her short career on Indianapolis television, and her experience as an elementary-school teacher.

*Repeat the exact same conversation at least 14 times before it's time for me to go.* Then after a couple of hours of circular, yet pleasant conversation, I exit in a cloud of cat hair and 70 year-old memories that cling to me like a shroud.

Here's to many more years of serving, loving, living, and laughing! I'm so thankful that God has blessed me and most of us with the ability to encourage, help, and teach others, while always embracing opportunities to stretch, grow, and change.


Dinner before the opera at our cozy house!


Hosting 15 women from GFM and church small group for a refreshing evening of food, conversation, study, and prayer!

Whirlwinding

From 8 am to 10 pm every day, I'm usually working, out and about, and staying busy with almost too many activities. Life is truly a whirlwind. Yet, I feel entirely at rest and joyful. How can that be?

Today, for example, there was a big crisis with a huge program we run at work, and it became my responsibility to put out the fire, respond to the public, take charge, and get things in order. It was intense, but ultimately rewarding. It could have been a true nightmare with that much pressure, but God gave me the strength and the appropriate response. I went into the situation not knowing what on earth I was going to do with angry people and a total meltdown on my hands, but He provided! There was so much at stake, yet I felt such calm in the middle of the storm.

There have been many storms lately, but that's when we as Christians learn the most, and I'm no exception. In small group we've been studying Romans: "We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3,4.

Now, I definitely don't relish suffering or being in difficult circumstances, but I've also learned not to run from discomfort and challenges, knowing that it's in those times that God's presence seems the most noticeable and His grace that much greater than our own shortcomings. It's also in those times when our character is developed and refined to reflect His glory. As believers, we can be at rest in the midst of the storm, the hustle and bustle of the world, and the unexpected times of suffering--all because of what Christ did for us on the cross!

In other less reflective news, Jennifer and I went skiing up in Michigan this past weekend. They received 12 inches of beautiful snow, and we had a marvelous time at her dear grandma's house. Jenn and I skied for hours upon freezing hours, but it was exhilarating to be plummeting down mountains, and nobody got hurt! I hadn't been skiing in almost 3 years, so it was nice to know I could still handle it. Ah, adventures are always such a welcome blessing! Oh, and I would love to live near a mountain someday, somewhere. Skiing is always quite exhilarating, and boy, did we talk to some good-looking, adventure-loving guys while we were there! ;)

Have a blessed, restful week in the midst of whatever little rain clouds or storms you may find yourself experiencing!

Heavenly!

Lots of cars were sliding off all around us, but my trusty little car kept going!

It was certainly bittersweet having to leave and head back south for work!

On the slopes with my frozen face!

Sitting by a roaring fireplace with Jenn.

Community-ing

"Community" is a word you hear all the time interchangeably: it can be used in regard to a nation, a city, a neighborhood, a group of friends... Different verbs can also be applied to community. You can build, grow, expand, maintain, and improve it. And you can be intertwined with that community to varying degrees.

Lately I've reflected on the different communities I'm involved with, and how much color and texture they add to life. At church, I'm involved in a community through Sunday school, small group, and international student ministry. With friends, it's a wide network of people in close proximity or scattered across the globe. In this city where I currently live, community seems to be defined through my work and volunteering roles.

It's amazing to know someone at just about every place I go. Some people even come up to me and say they know me, although I don't know them. How did I get to be famous? I guess it's by investing in this community and not just taking from it. When you're involved in 500 different activities, you get to know a large proportion of the community--people from all ages and walks of life.

Most likely I won't be living in this specific community after this summer, but I can say that I gave it my all. I truly loved this place, the people, and tried to see this community through God's eyes. And hopefully I'll leave all of those various facets of community a little better off than when I came upon them. And I think this place and these people have also helped change me for the better.

This past week, in particular, I've realized the myriad blessings of community through some interactions: Praying with a dear friend in China over Skype, encouraging someone in my small group, and hearing how what I do in my job is truly helping those who are marginalized, low-income, or struggling.

Yesterday I got to stand out in the freezing cold for two hours at Walmart to tell folks about a service we offer that has a huge financial and social impact in the community. There was a man and his wife who were waiting in front of Walmart as we set up our table. He had read about us in the newspaper and came out just to talk to us about the program. They looked so weary and worn-out from life. I wanted to give them a hug. That's when I realized that what I do matters--we are helping people in real, tangible ways that help people keep their homes, feed their families, and keep their jobs.

Here's another story published today in our local newspaper about the event, after the editor came out to interview us. You have to be a subscriber to read the online part, but I can quote some of the key parts. :)

"Free tax help to be offered at 10 sites"

Never was a person more aptly named for a job than Laura Freeze. Then it goes on to explain how I and other representatives from various local nonprofits and the IRS were out in the 22 degree cold telling folks about the Free Community Tax Service and other financial stability initiatives. Freeze, her cheeks bright pink from the cold, was wearing long underwear, thick mittens and insulated boots. “My face is feeling a little frozen, but there’s a lot of good energy out here,” she said with a smile. Then the story goes on to interview others. It just warmed my heart, even though we were so cold and my face looked like a cherry tomato!!

But these efforts of being involved in community would be all for naught if they weren't done in love and for His glory. Each bitterly cold morning, I roll out of bed with a prayer already on my lips: "God, please give me your strength for today. Let whatever I say or do be all for your name's sake!"

That reminds me of what David Jeremiah said recently:

Most of our worries involve a fear of insufficiency. We're afraid we're not good enough as parents or providers or Christians or whatever. Or we're concerned we don't have enough, whether food or money or health or strength. When we think of ourselves as the source of our own sufficiency, we have reason to worry and be concerned. But as Christians, our sufficiency is from God. "And God is able to make all grace abound toward you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may have an abundance for every good work" (2 Corinthians 9:8). His grace is sufficient for us (2 Corinthians 12:9).


Here are a few "community" pictures of late:

Had international friends over for dinner.

Love the look of sheer delight on their faces while we played "Guesstures."

Aw, young lovers...

A variety of folks helping me talk about the Free Community Tax Service.

Frozen, but content.

Living victoriously

One of my good friends from high school just had a beautiful baby and named her "Laura." We were taking about the meaning of her name, and we decided that basically it boiled down to the meaning of "victorious." We were talking about her brand-new daughter, but then I go to thinking that meaning also applies to me and all the other lovely Lauras out there.

So what does it mean to live victoriously?

By the world's dictionary, living victoriously probably means:

-Making lots of money
-Being successful
-Looking attractive
-Achieving your dreams
-Being well-liked
-Appearing confident
-Being right

Hmmm... something about that definition just doesn't seem aligned with the Bible... Then just about a day later, I opened up my devotional and read:

"You can achieve the victorious life through living in deep dependence on Christ. People usually associate victory with success: not falling or stumbling, not making mistakes. But those who are successful in their own strength tend to go their own way, forgetting about Jesus. It is through problems and failure, weakness and neediness that you learn to rely on the Lord."

So as a Christ-follower, we are victorious by:

-Depending on Him
-Being last and not first
-Admitting our shortcomings
-Confessing our sins
-Allowing Christ to transform us daily
-Calling on His power and strength

Thus, I realized that although I often feel like a failure in the world's eyes, I have actually been leading a victorious life-- all because of Christ. I have stumbled, fallen, and made mistakes. Yet Christ has the ultimate victory through the cross. How magnificent that we can share in that victory just by the fact that our identity is in Him!

That's all for now folks. I'm off to live my life as Laura the Victorious.

Year of refinement

There aren't many prettier sights out your window than a whole sparkly world encased in white, with a brilliant blue sky overhead... And to think that I was worried Andrea from balmy Florida wouldn't see a drop of snow when she visited me for Christmas! It snowed 12.5 inches the day after Christmas and then another 3 inches yesterday.

Our Christmas turned out beautifully. On Christmas Eve we went to a candlelight service at church. We picked up my Indian friend, and the Chinese guy who wanted to come with us brought 3 of his friends, who had never been in a church before! It was so uplifting and rather fun. These are people I want to continue to invest in and love.

I went back to work Thursday, and Mom will be here for a few days. She's amazing! I've felt so overwhelmed by a lot of things, especially medical bills, and she's helping me organize them and figure out next steps. We also have just enjoyed chatting (Mom's not a huge chatter-box, although I probably am), and reading, etc. I've always been so independent, but it's still nice to have your mother visit as a dear friend and encourager.

And as the year draws to a close, it's time to reflect. There were good, bad, and hard things that happened throughout 2012:

-Graduated with a master's degree
-Turned 26
-Transitioned from my job with the city to working with a nonprofit
-Visited China for 3 weeks and was reunited with dear friends in far-flung places of the country
-Dated, but then mutually decided to part ways with a good guy and friend
-Experienced physical and mental pain due to the accident and associated craziness
-Developed some incredible friendships
-Learned and grew in more ways than I could imagine!

I'm not the same Laura of January 2012. This past year I've struggled more than I ever have in my life. Some of those struggles were as a result of my own sin and stubbornness, and others were for reasons I may never know until I get to heaven. No matter the reason, 2012 was a refining time, and I have truly been refined by the Refiner's fire. It was painful at times, lonely at times, and even devastating at times, as I came to the end of myself and He stripped away my pretenses, pride, defenses, dreams, desires, health...

Yet out of the fire has come redemption! He took the broken Laura and has shaped me more into who He created me to be. I have rediscovered that life is not worth living if it is not ENTIRELY and WHOLLY devoted to Him and His purposes. Of course we are never done being refined and changed, but this year seemed like refinement boot camp. And I am reminded:

"God causes your confidence in your own natural virtues and power to wither away. He will continue until you learn to draw your life from the reservoir of the resurrection life of Jesus." ~Oswald Chambers

Although it's hard to believe it's almost 2013 (isn't it still 2007 or something?), I'm looking forward to the brand new year and all that God has in store not only for me, but also friends and family!

Have a wonderfully blessed 2013!

Pretty downtown with pretty Mom and Andrea.

Our stockings were hung by the staircase with care...

After the blizzard.

Sledding with Andrea!