Calm my anxious heart

Recently it has been easy to fall into the trap of anxiety, which once it grabs hold of you, won’t let go without a fight.  There are possibly myriad reasons to be anxious, especially in the past month or so. 

Work is moving along at such a rapid-fire clip that it would be easy to feel overwhelmed and stressed-out.  After having anaphylactic shock a few weeks ago to the flu shot, it is also easy for my body to be frightened of so many more things now, even food that I usually enjoy.  Protestors, and oftentimes rioters, have been marching up and down and across Oakland for three weeks, right into my neighborhood.  It would be the easiest thing in the world to panic every time I hear the now-familiar whir of the news helicopters, sirens that won’t stop, or highway patrol officers in their riot gear.  You can’t go out about every other night, because roads are blocked or things are on fire or being smashed in. Then Jeff and I have been intentional lately about discussing marriage and moving along that path.  While it is intensely wonderful, it can also easily induce feelings of anxiety: how could I possibly ever be a loving wife? How could I totally intertwine my life with another? I'm too sinful and self-centered and restless.

So easy, easy, easy to be anxious. But I am gradually learning to make the decision to not be anxious.  It is a learning-process and just doesn’t happen by itself.  A couple of other women from my church come to my house to discuss a book called Calm My Anxious Heart.  I have let anxiety control my heart and my life, even if mostly in subtle ways.  The opposite of trusting God is anxiety and worry, which is sin.  I’m so thankful for what I am learning from these women of faith and from God’s Word.  And it seems like I have had plenty of practice lately in not being anxious (see above!).  I have chosen to trust God and that He is infinitely good.  

God is helping me turn my focus to see usually anxiety-producing circumstances as faith-building.  Work may be challenging, but I also get to love and be loved by amazing co-workers.  In my job I get to help make a tangible impact in reducing poverty, even if it’s only temporary.  The hospital visit last month renewed my ties with God and strengthened relationships with several people in my life here.  And even though I don’t understand the tireless protestors who block freeways and sledge-hammered my office building, I pray continually that God would help me to have compassion for these people who must feel such extreme frustration and anger and helplessness. Lastly, as for my relationship with Jeff, I also feel confident that God is equipping us well for the future through unique and mundane experiences, other couples at church, His Word, Bible studies, conversations, and prayer.  I am so thankful for his friendship and companionship that continues to be enriched every day.  

It’s true that we don’t know what the future holds.  There are so many things to be fearful of, but then I remember God’s promises and how he has already worked in my life.  From bringing me to faith, to journeying with me around the world, God has always been merciful and mighty to save.  His perfect love casts out all fear… end of story.  

So whatever you challenges or hurdles you may be facing today, I pray that you will rest well in the arms of Jesus.  He has you and won’t ever let go of you.  Christ, the risen Christ, who faced the depths of hell on the cross for us, has been challenged by it all and knows what we are experiencing.  So let’s stand firm in our faith and refuse to dwell in anxiety.  We are filled with the light of God and the world can and will know it as a result of how we choose trust in God over anxiety and fear. 

Land of the Oaks

Each time I sit down to try and write down some thoughts on this blog, I always stop myself.  In my head I think, “Laura, if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

To be honest, life in Oakland and the Bay Area makes my heart ache in so many ways.  Even after 28 years of living in a variety of places and living through a variety of experiences, I still view life in a primarily black and white perspective.  My moral compass trembles every day, as alarm bells go off in my head for things that seem apparently wrong, amoral, unethical, perverse, or unjust.  Sometimes I wish I could just be deadened to that feeling.  It is tiring to have alarm bells go off all the time and feel like I must process everything I have just witnessed.  Why do my beliefs have to clash so often with everyone else’s? 

Wrong is called right, right is called wrong, darkness is called light, and light is called darkness (Isaiah 5:20).  I can make a list of large and small issues that come to mind right this moment, but even now I’m afraid to write them down, knowing that this blog is somewhere on the Internet, and anything I say or do could one day be held against me.  I don’t pretend to hold the key to absolute truth, but I do believe I have a solid foundation through the Word of God, which still stands true, while other fads and explanations for life have come and gone.

Just like my body seems to have a dismal barrier to protecting me from the heat and cold, my body and soul also seems to be immediately sensitive to all that is occurring in the broken world around me.  I am reminded that I am not here for myself.  Yes, I am called to be a light in this world filled so much with bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness.  On my 32 minute walk to work, I talk to God the entire time, knowing that He is the one who will sustain me throughout each new, unfolding day. 

Everything and everyone is a rush of color and commotion on that mundane, yet somehow momentous walk that will set the stage for that day.  Slowly I plod down the long hill running parallel to the noisy freeway, pass fresh graffiti, take in that morning’s color of sky, maneuver around a man who staggers out of the bushes, walk around the elderly women stretching or doing tai chi on the edge of the lake, nod at the ancient old man who always greets me with an accented, “Good Mornnnning!” as he hobbles by, smile at the same man on Perkins and Grand who, without fail, asks for 50 cents every day, step aside for the 3 white-haired friends animatedly chatting about other friends, bypass another familiar man pushing his rusty grocery cart full of recyclables picked from the city’s waste bins, glance at the same smashed television sitting forlornly on the sidewalk by the Indian restaurant, quickly jog across the Children’s Fairyland entrance as cars peel in, wince as someone curses out another driver, hurriedly rush by the Glass Cathedral Catholic Church overlooking the opposite end of the lake, squeeze through the crowds of commuters surging from the 19^th St. BART station, swing open wide the back door to our 12 story office building, struggle out of my now-too-hot sweater on the stuffy elevator, and arrive on the 4^th floor READY.    

So by the time I get to work I am fairly alert, and God has helped slowly readjust my eyes to try and see with His eyes.  And of course there are other positive things to focus on: a decent job, coworkers who are like family, loving friends and family both near and far, a boyfriend who is quickly becoming one of my best friends, a Scripturally-rooted and bold community of believers at church, amazing restaurants with every kind of cuisine under the sun, nearly daily sunshine, a perfectly located apartment, great health, and more outdoor activities than I’ll ever be able to fully experience.  And last, but definitely not least, the Royals gave the Giants a run for their money in the World Series!     

In the land of the living

The date 9/9 has carried a lot of weight throughout my life.  In 2001, I had just turned 15, was starting 10th grade, and chose to publicly make the stand to follow Christ by getting baptized.  I remember wading into the warm, murky waters of Lake Shawnee wearing a gloriously baggy orange t-shirt (it was 2001, after all!) and denim shorts, all while thinking, "Please don't let a jetski run over me..."  I had already committed my life and future to Jesus, but this was still a big step that I can remember vividly.  From that day forward, my life was no longer my own.   

Exactly 11 years later, in 2012, I was hit by a car while biking.  Thus began a period of weeks and months where I had never felt alternately so close and so far from Christ.  It was a season where my faith was truly tested and refined like never before.  “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.”  Psalm 27:13

That Midwestern lake filled with jet skis, boaters, and swimmers seems a whole world away from Oakland at this moment.  15 year-old Laura had no idea what was in store at the time, but knew she wanted Christ walking alongside her.  He would be with her from the Midwest to the East Coast to the Far East to the West Coast.  

That Midwestern college town intersection filled with a swarm of compassionate residents, police, and EMTs also seems even further away.  26 year-old Laura had no idea that the line between life and death was so slim, and that she could almost taste and see heaven, but she knew that Christ was still beside her on earth: He held her and gave her the will to heal and to pick up the shattered pieces of her body and mind.    

It is 9/9/14 and I can see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!  This land of the living has been incredibly challenging and often like walking through a desert land, but He has gone before me and has never left me.  I rejoice that God has used my stories from past 9/9s to help bring glory and fame to His name, and will continue to do so.  I rejoice that God has used my stories from past 9/9s to remind me that He is never done growing and changing and shaping us, even if I want to say, “Okay, thanks God!  Think I’ve had enough growing and changing and shaping for a while.”  I am certainly not the same Laura I was in 2001 or 2012 or even yesterday.  

And there my 9/9 reflections come to an end until next 9/9.  I will celebrate today by working diligently, loving others well, and drinking some champagne!  Happy 9/9!

A China weekend 2.0

Since I now live in California, I lead such a jet setting life. So I spent this past weekend in LA by jetting off to Long Beach to visit my dear old friend, Jodi, and her husband, Samson! They have been living in China for the majority of the past 6 years and are back in the States for a few months to deliver their first baby!

It seems that I have known Jodi through many years and life stages. She has featured in many posts on this blog in the past. In 2008, we served together in Nanchang on the same team, and then were roommates and our very own little team the following year. We prayed together, traveled together, and learned how to navigate China life together. We made a perfect pair: petite, outgoing Asian-American and tall, gangly white girl. And I distinctly remember the conference in Chiang Mai where Jodi and I both met Samson for the first time. She told me how Samson had said he liked her smile, and she was not impressed by him or that comment at first. But God can change hearts and minds, which is exactly what He did with Jodi.  

Over the years we have stayed in touch through email, Skype, and WeChat. I returned to the States, but she stayed faithfully in China. I also visited her in Harbin the summer of 2012 (just a day after she and Samson became engaged!). The last time I saw her in person was in the fall of 2012 when she married Samson in front of over 300 people. Now "Samodi" is an old married couple expecting Baby Tang any day now! Jodi has always been family to me, and it has been an amazing privilege to hear about the work God is doing in her marriage, her friendships, and ministry. She encourages and exhorts so gently and well.

Another bonus was that Jeff was also in town over the same weekend visiting some of HIS old China teammates. He also lived in China for 2 years right after college, so I loved meeting his friends who haven't lived together for a decade, but are still extremely close-knit. I learned even more about his character, while listening to equally hilarious and poignant stories from their experiences in China. And it was so strange, but I felt entirely more at ease with them than most other people I have interacted with over the past year in California. We are all kindred spirits!

Jodi, Samson, Jeff, and I also got to hang out a good amount. We played the card game Nertz for endless rounds, had dinner, ate icecream in celebration of Jeff's birthday, went to Jodi's Chinese church, and chatted about faith and ministry. Everyone clicked well, and I felt so happy and comfortable. Samson later told me in a slow, deliberate voice that he really liked Jeff. He held eye contact with me for a long moment, probably thinking, "Please don't mess this up, Laura."  :)

So although I missed the strongest earthquake in the Bay Area in 25 years, I still feel like this weekend was extremely memorable. Please pray for "Samodi", their baby, their hearts, and their future. I'm looking forward to the next reunion with Samodi! Perhaps it will even be in China next time...

China circa 2010.

Hanging out with Samodi in Harbin just a day or two after their engagement, 2012.

With the expectant couple in Long Beach, 2014.

Hiding place

Sometimes I half joke that you need to be a vulture to live in the Bay Area.  Need a parking spot?  You must circle around and around until you can swoop in and snap up a spot from an equally desperate driver.  Need something at the grocery store?  You must edge your way through the aisles with your pointy little elbows.  Need an apartment?  You must compete with 40 other eager beaver applicants for one availability.  Need to get on the BART train?  You must not let the wheelchair-bound and elderly get in your way.  Need to get off at that exit ramp?  You must wedge your car into the lane next to yours, even if there's not even an inch opening for you.  Need a promotion or raise?  You must grab it for yourself, as it will not be handed to you.

Maybe I sound a little bitter or negative.  Usually each day is a blessing and adventure, but sometimes I just get overwhelmed and exhausted.  I know I am not a naturally assertive person.  In the name of survival I can be somewhat assertive, however.  Thankfully I did have training in assertiveness during my time in China, which is once again being used here in California.  I'm a complacent, easy-going soul who will fight for something if I really want it or need it.  But it can be exhausting and soul-sapping.  I miss people who don't mow you over if you're in their way.  I miss easily accessible parking.  I miss walking down the street without getting asked for money every five feet.  I miss strangers and friends alike asking how you truly are doing.

A couple of weeks ago, I walked to our office window and peered down at the controlled chaos four stories below us.  An ambulance had pulled up to the sidewalk where an elderly lady was sprawled out on the ground by the bus stop, not moving.  Several people sat or stood on a bench, looking on indifferently.  Other people just walked on by.  I was moved by how alone she looked there on the cold, unforgiving pavement that was coated with months of Oakland grime.  Did she have family?  Could anyone hold her hand?  Was she scared?  And then she was whisked away in the ambulance.  People's lives continued.  My own life continued.      

That scene shook me up for some reason... More than the other scenes of begging or carjackings or people screaming at the top of their lungs at each other in the middle of the street.  Most of all I get afraid for my own attitude and heart.  At the end of the day I consider how or if I truly loved people.  Or I wonder if in my haste for survival, I was the one who did the trampling or behaved unkindly and insensitively.  I ponder if when I put on my armor of defensiveness I prevent life-giving interactions and conversations from taking place. 

Sometimes it hurts too much to care, especially when you feel helpless to bring about any change.  Lord, forgive me for my hardened heart!  As I asked God for forgiveness this morning, I then read:

"I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt.  I said to myself, 'I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.' And you forgave me!  All my guilt is gone.  Therefore, let all the godly pray to you while there is still time, that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment.  For you are my hiding place; you protect me from trouble. You surround me with songs of victory."  Psalm 32:5-7

As I head back out into the world from my quiet little apartment, I can rest in the knowledge that I am forgiven, I have all I need, and I am surrounded by songs of victory-- all for the sake of the Gospel.  

28 candles

Last week, just like on the eve of each birthday, I took a few moments to sit down and journal thoughts about the past year--the victories, the setbacks, the good times, and the super tough times. And then I reflected about how through it all, Christ was there. There for the change. Growth. Joy. Frustration. Brokenness. Wholeness. Sorrow. Delight. Not for even a split second of my 27th year or entire life was I alone. And nothing that happened to me was a surprise to Him.  

I also considered how with each passing year and each passing day, we accumulate more memories and experiences that at first are finely textured and vivid, but gradually blur together into muted strains of color. Yet there are brilliantly colored pictures in my head that haven't yet faded:

• Diving into the murky, warm waves at the beach with Andrea
• Tightly holding onto my 91 year-old grandfather's hand as he sang about the bluest sky
• Alternatively laughing and crying with Mom as we made the long journey west for my move to California
• Becoming a member at my small, new church, knowing in my heart I had found a home
• Rocketing down a snow-covered hill on a sled with Andrea and Jamie
• Sitting around the fireplace at Christmas, feeling that no matter happened in life, all would be well
• Taking in the awe-inspiring views of the entire Bay Area from the Twin Peaks
• Sitting around my friend's cozy apartment sharing about our lives 
• Gazing up at the navy-blue evening sky filled with countless stars flickering like candles
• Meeting a guy in the missions group at church who somehow quickly became a good friend and now boyfriend
• Walking down the dusty sidewalks that haven't seen rain in months, looking into the eyes of people seeking relief from pain and emptiness
• Falling to my knees many evenings to listen to God and once again, hand my life, dreams, and hopes back over to Him

So while my 28th year begins, I also look forward to those Kodak moments this year that will leave an imprint on my mind, heart, faith, and other people's lives.

Grace Cathedral in San Francisco.

Limited Holiday Edition- Part 2!

I spent the Fourth of July holiday in a different world: at home in Kansas.  It’s always a culture shock to return home for a visit, especially after living in China or California.  In all the other places I’ve lived, I’ve thought, “This isn’t the real world, compared to Kansas.”  But now I have finally come to the conclusion that Kansas is not the real world.  It is its own unique place—huge, barely populated, windswept, inexpensive, conservative, and slow-paced.  99% of the world actually doesn’t live like Kansas-- where most people can afford a house at only $100K, where complete strangers go out of their way to be friendly to you, where people talk even more slowly than they drive, where you are guaranteed to run into someone you know from your past whenever you’re out in public, where the weather and crops serve as universal conversation starters or sermon introductions, where American flags and bunting are year-round décor, where everyone already seems to know what has happened to you over the past year before you get a chance to tell them, where neighbors cut your grass for you when your mower is broken or call at 11 p.m. to tell you that you left your garage door open, and where time seems to stand still.

Growing up, I couldn’t wait to leave the Midwest for greener pastures.  Or at least a life near a body of water or a big city.  Now after 10 years away, my heart has realized that greener pastures don’t necessarily exist.  Things I used to disdain I now long for: so much open-space, a tight-knit community, a laid-back way of life, values that seek to honor family, friends, neighbors, fellow residents, and country, an evening where the summer night-life consists primarily of fireflies, countless stars in the sky, and games of Scrabble... 

I realize I am wearing rose-colored glasses.  Topeka has its own share of poverty, crime, brokenness, and problems, albeit much different than my current home in Oakland.  And I realize that I will never live in a perfect place until I am home in my eternal home in heaven.  However, I think some of my goals and values in life have shifted as I’ve grown older and lived all over the map, and my visit home has reminded me of those.  Where I used to once be quite ambitious about a career and making a name for myself, I am now concerned about being part of a community (rather than just a huge, bustling city), being closer to family (rather than as far away as possible), being actively engaged in a church (rather than just attending a church), being a light to those around me in all circumstances (rather than only befriending people I like being around), and being a loving and encouraging friend, daughter, sister (rather than doing whatever might be the opposite of that), and being a growing follower of Christ (rather than remaining stagnant in my walk with Him). 

Although I knew this limited edition holiday, part 2 (read about part 1 here), couldn’t and probably shouldn’t last forever, there were some wonderful highlights of all shapes and sizes:

-Being reunited with my family!

-Tagging along to numerous adventures with Andrea and Jamie—like slacklining, meals with friends, badminton games, delighting in dozens upon dozens of acres of wildflowers, eating a birthday picnic by the Gage Park rose garden, and gazing at the sky in the quiet evening while sitting perched on fence posts.

-Enjoying the unseasonably moderate weather and vast, green expanse of land as far as your eyes could see.

-Catching up with neighbors at the annual neighborhood Fourth of July picnic in my Mom’s yard.

-Exploding massive fireworks that are most likely illegal in most parts of the country.

-Sharing a giant cinnamon roll with Grandma from Annie’s Place.

-Walking around our part of town while marveling at the huge houses and yards.

-Singing praise and worship songs contentedly while standing cozily in the church pews with the Freeze and Taylor families.

-Riding the very old Gage Park train and carousel for only $1.25 with my sister, dad, and stepmom.

-Having a surprise birthday party that included my 85 year old grandmother chucking a dozen balloons into the living room from the second story balcony.

-Sitting on the lawn of Topeka High listening to a patriotic music concert with the school’s venerable old tower chimes.

-Sleeping very little because we were always engaged in some kind of activity.

-Eating homemade lemon ice-cream in delicate little crystal dishes at the Keys’ house.

-Visiting my mom and dad at their respective places of work.

-Listening to freight trains rumble by the Kansas River.

-Laughing so hard until I felt nearly ill.

-Dining on plentiful portions of meat.

-Buying gas for only $3.38/gallon!

-Sleeping in the same room as my sister, who always promptly fell asleep before we could even chat.

-Glancing up every day at the biggest, bluest sky in the whole world.

I was so thankful to be able to make the trip back home, and now feel a renewed sense of purpose here in the Bay Area… Walking into work this morning, I felt a slight rush of excitement as buses honked impatiently, as I crossed the street with a rainbow of different kinds of people, and as commuters piled out of the BART train station. God loves these people and this place just as much as Kansas.  I have been called here for a time such as this, so I look forward to continuing to build my home here.  And I also am aware there are only 5 more months until Christmas: Limited Edition Holiday, Part 3!

Hanging out on split-rail fences like true Kansans.

Back at Topeka High!

Ahhh... the prairie.

Nearly lost Grandma to the cornfields.

A special place with special firecrackers.

Reunited with my sister/supermodel friend while wearing a birthday princess badge, of course.

Look at that flag billow in the breeze!

The one and only Gage Park train.

The lovely Freeze ladies.

Bon voyage to two of my favorite people in the whole world!