Fresh trails of adventure

I don't mean to always be a Johnny Raincloud, but it just seems like difficult things have been happening in life lately. Things that sort of hurt, and make you feel rejected and raw, even though I have so much to be thankful for and am quite content. Lately I feel like I have been spending much more time in the Father's presence, and am growing other ways spiritually, mentally, and as a well-rounded person. Maybe I'll just let what I wrote in my journal a few minutes ago speak for itself:

"This day started out well, but then wasn't so great by the afternoon. I found out two of my close school friends got jobs at the consulting firm I interviewed for, but I didn't. So I feel pretty disappointed about that... Then a few minutes later I discovered that I didn't pass the Foreign Service exam, which was probably even more disappointing, because you can only take the exam once a year. I missed the cutoff by only 5 points. I think I feel down also because I thought I was well qualified for both jobs and did well in my interviews... So, Lord, I'm going to be honest. I am sad and disappointed. I feel rejected and like a loser--sort of like when John broke up with me.

BUT, I know you have promised to work all things for my good. Maybe later I'll learn why I didn't get offered those jobs and I'll grasp the bigger picture. Maybe in your divine wisdom and grace you were saving me for something better. Maybe you were sparing me from a lot of grief and turmoil later. Maybe you didn't want me to work in a stressful consulting job where I wouldn't have time for people or you. Maybe you didn't want me to live in a place like Azerbaijan where I'd be isolated and cut off from community. Whatever your reasons, Lord, I choose to respect them and trust in your plans. I will follow your leading and not my own dreams or plans. Lord, replace my sadness and disappointment with a thankful and glad heart."

After I closed my journal, I read my devotional and Bible, where I also heard words of truth. In the devotional, it was like God was speaking to me:

"I, the Creator of the Universe, am the most creative Being imaginable. I will not leave you circling in deeply rutted paths. Instead, I will lead you along fresh trails of adventure, revealing to you things you did not know. Stay in communication with Me. Follow my guiding presence."

And then in Psalm 32:8:

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you."

So, I'm heavy-hearted that those two jobs didn't work out. I automatically think about how challenging and interesting they would have been. And then I think about how I'm sure I'll end up jobless, homeless, bored stiff, and all alone in life. The very chilly, gray day and cold I'm battling sure don't help things! Yes, I'm sad, but no, this isn't the end of life. I will move forward and keep going and continue growing. God indeed has "fresh trails of adventure" in store for me now and in the future.

When I got home from work today, I was reminded of what is most important in life, like people. Last weekend I took my Chinese neighbors with me to an international fall party with folks from church. Here is a picture of Bingjing's happy pumpkin he carved. He put it outside in between our doors, so I can see it and smile when I come home.

Bingjing and his friendly pumpkin.

Mirrors and glass

Earlier this morning, I woke up with watery eyes and a crisp, sore throat. Sickness had finally found me. I had definitely worn myself out over the past week and have been running on empty. Despite feeling crummy, I still forced myself to head over to the gym. My body was tired, but it was even more tired of sitting all day long for a million days. The gym was pretty empty at 9 a.m. this Saturday morning on the campus of a huge party school.

One of the disorienting things about this huge workout area is the abundance of mirrors. They are literally everywhere; sometimes I can't even find the exit out, because all I see are mirrors. I managed to find a treadmill, though, in front of one of the few windows overlooking campus. It was a beautiful view--all the old stately buildings and gorgeous trees were just reflecting the first rays of morning sunshine. Next to me were other girls who planted themselves on the treadmills with huge ceiling to floor mirrors right in front of them. Most of the glamorous people who grace the gym tend to only look at themselves while they work out. It made me think of how much they're missing! If they look outside themselves, they can discover a bigger, more life-giving picture--the bold, beautiful, and broken world out there, and God's redeeming work.

This theme seemed to carry over into my quiet time, when I brought all my sadness and frustrations to the Lord. Yesterday I seemed to reach the end of my rope, and was almost crazy with helplessness and despair. So when I was spending time with God today, I had a vision of all my sins shattered like glass on the ground. I wanted to pick up the glass and make something whole of it, but my hands only got raw and bloody by the sharp, jagged pieces. Then Jesus said that He will pick up the pieces for me; I can't do it. I can't make myself whole again, only He can. He didn't sweep the sin and brokenness entirely away, because they were still a part of me and my story. Instead, He picked up all the pieces and made a beautiful glass sculpture out of it. I couldn't really see clearly what it looked like, but the sculpture was of a person--the woman God had intended me to be. The glass reflected the light like a rainbow with a million different colors. He desires for other people and me to see that sculpture and the beauty that was made out of brokenness, but the point isn't to see ME. Instead, the light radiating from the glass points to His glory and His goodness and His faithfulness and His provision and His peace and His love and His sovereignty.

Little Miss Sunshine

Today I was telling a friend about some of the neat things happening in life lately, mostly in relationships and interactions with people. He saw a mug the other day of "Little Miss Sunshine," and said it reminded him of me.

That was a really encouraging comment to hear. I've been praying that I can be a light and encouragement to people, especially when people seem easily despaired these days.

One of the chances I had to be a light yesterday was at an event through work at the American Legion post for veterans who are homeless or on the verge of homelessness. When I got there in the rain, I wasn't feeling that thrilled. I had my glasses on, and felt tired after being in classes all morning.

For a while I sat at an information table with a guy about my age who seemed a little too interested. I prayed for an opportunity to do something useful. At that point the Legion started putting out fried chicken and lots of warm, yummy, unhealthy food for everyone to have lunch. I saw several veterans get their plates and sit down at a table very quietly, like they didn't want to impose on people.

So I decided exactly what I could do! I grabbed my own plate of fried chicken and carried it over to some old, crusty looking veterans. One was a huge black guy who had just gotten his haircut at the event, and the other guys still hadn't had their hair cut in probably forever. They looked a little surprised that I would sit with them, but I was more surprised that other people weren't sitting with the veterans.

I'm pretty sure I sat there for over an hour and learned a ton about them. I couldn't help but notice their torn clothes, dirty fingers, missing teeth, and sort of unpleasant smell about them. We were sitting so close, and one guy would lightly pat my arm whenever he laughed. My white sweater probably wasn't too happy, but I was extremely content. It was like I could truly feel Jesus' presence there. I mostly just listened to these men, and was struck at how sharp and witty they were.

They told me about their favorite books, where they hang out when it's cold, memories from their childhood, and how they have to move from one food kitchen to another for each meal. One guy, "Charlie," commented how he enjoyed this meal, because he didn't feel like a burden, and he could enjoy his food without feeling rushed. Charlie and I had a good conversation about South America and the meaning of "happiness." He said he was pretty happy, but also he was pretty sure he'd die in the woods someday.

When it was time for me to go, I had to practically tear myself away from the small group that had gathered at our table. I'm pretty sure I'll probably see them around again. It was just an honor to be able to eat and talk with them. They were so extremely kind, and probably just wanted people to talk to them like they're real people, which they certainly are...

In other news, I've been interviewing for jobs and going to fancy dinners. Here's my sophisticated look from a dinner last night. Because it's blurry, you probably can't see the pinstripes on the pants or pretty ruffles around the neck. Gosh, ruffles really don't matter in life, especially after hanging out with my homeless friends. But hopefully I can continue to be a light no matter what situation I might be in--with well-off or down-trodden folks, because Christ loves them all so much!

The executive look.

Hello, midterms

First, I just want to say that I'm thankful for a lot of great activities, conversations, and events that have occurred over the past several days. The Father has been very patient and gracious even when I haven't been.

Here are some of the neat things that have been happening, plus some prayer requests. I'm sorry my blog post sounds like a 6 year-old wrote it, because my brain is currently feeling like mashed potatoes!

-I'm still attending Chinese church, and it is always amazing to observe the believers lead worship and studies. It is also extremely amazing to observe non-believers coming closer to knowing the truth. Although I don't understand too much of what is going on, I help with rides and answering some questions about the Bible when they ask me for my perspective.

-I found out I have a job interview for a spectacular company in D.C. The interview is this Friday at 2 p.m. (Eastern time). Please pray that I will represent my skills and character well, and that it will work out how God plans.

-The weekend was filled with hours upon hours of painful, but productive homework. I also took advantage of the perfect weather by going on a long bike ride into the countryside with a friend. Saturday night several of my friends and I also attended a ballet, and then our InterVarsity group of women had a meal and hymn sing together. It was just an incredibly blessed weekend!

-This past Sunday I became an official member of my church after a four week process, which included classes and meeting with elders of the church. I'm really thrilled to have made that commitment to such a strong and active fellowship, although I won't be here too much longer.

-It's been difficult lately to not be anxious. I'm trying to cast all my cares on Him, but it's challenging when the world (and school) tells you that those are cares you should shoulder all the time, even if they are crushing you...

Here's just some pictures for your enjoyment:

My bike couldn't quite reach the speed limit.

Looking quite fallish.

Going to the ballet with Cindy and friends. The taco truck didn't come with us.

Hymn sing with the ladies!

Refining fire

I sound like a broken record I'm sure, but life just flies by! Each week goes by so quickly, but it seems like there are thousands of classes, events, and conversations packed into the span of 7 days. Each week is also filled with its unique challenges, triumphs, and adventures. Each week I am reminded how completely inadequate I am on my own, but how Christ is more than enough for all of those inadequacies! He continues to refine me, which can be painful, but extremely necessary. How is that the older you get, the more conscious you are of your sin?

I was reminded of his refining fire last night at a bonfire with my friends from the Chinese fellowship. We drove out east to Lake Monroe just as the sun was about to set. I was surprised to see everyone decked out in super hip hiking/bonfiring/outdoorsy/adventuring clothes. In typical Chinese fashion, though, we didn't really know where you could actually have a bonfire, because nobody had really checked into it. So we finally found a spot on the shore of the lake. And in un-Chinese fashion, people had come fully prepared with firewood, smore-making material, hotdogs, and plenty of extremely expensive cameras to document the whole experience.

Overall, it was such a wonderful evening with fun friends, and I remembered to revel in the Father's creativity, especially as the dusk faded to darkness. One of my friends there who isn't a believer, even exclaimed to me, "God is a marvelous artist!" I agree! I was surrounded by warm laughter, countless bright stars sprinkled across the sky, and the knowledge that God has our lives in His hands.

Have a beautiful October, and don't forget to marvel in His handiwork--people and nature!

P.S. I'm taking a big State Department exam Monday morning and afternoon. Please remember me in your thoughts!

Dear Helen. She had never seen leaves turn different colors before.

At Lake Monroe with some of my friends!

Several Ph.D. students trying to light the fire.

Success!

Perfect love

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out all fear..." 1 John 4:18

This is a verse that has seemed to pop into my mind over the last several months when I least expect it. I don't think I have a complete grasp on what it means entirely, but I usually remember this verse in situations where anxiety and fear tries to win--sometimes that's in conversations with other people, thoughts about the future, or in reading the news, etc.

FEAR has cropped up in my mind this past week in various situations:

-Sitting in class listening to people stress out about finding a job soon.
-Worrying that I will only continue to struggle through my millionth economics class.
-Listening to people at work talk about how they need to make themselves "indispensable" so they don't lose their jobs.
-Reading an article entitled the "lost generation" about how my generation may be labeled that because of the huge, unprecedented unemployment and underemployment rates in our age group.
-Strangers being surprised I'm not married or dating.
-Contemplating what on earth I should do when I graduate in a few months.

But, I then have been quickly reminded how there is no place for fear, especially when we have such an awesome, sovereign God who has always taken care of us.

So there have also been various situations this past week where LOVE has won:

-Being able to consistently encourage my fellow classmates and make them laugh.
-Enjoying His glorious creativity on runs and bike rides in absolutely gorgeous weather.
-Leading an English conversation group at church, and helping international students understand some difficult idioms.
-Humbling myself and asking my classmates for help on confusing and overwhelming homework and projects.
-Attending ballet class and recalling the joy God has given me for dance.
-Enjoying an opera performance with several of my close girlfriends.
-Remembering how I'm saved by His grace alone!

Saturday smores

It is Sunday evening and I'm sitting at my desk in front of my window, listening to the rain pound against the roof. I know we need the rain, but it always makes me a little melancholy. It sort of matches my mood at the moment, though. I have been busy every single second of this weekend and now I feel a little worn out and tired. I attempted to solve 50 intense economic problems, wrote a 7 page urban planning paper, prepared for a presentation, attended a group meeting, worked at the farmer's market, and read for several classes.

The highlight of this weekend, however, was our GFM hiking excursion. About 20 people showed up for hiking and dinner on a grill at McCormick's Creek State Park, which is only about 15 miles from here. It was a gorgeous late summer day, and we all just had a great time walking and talking and eating. I invited one of our Chinese neighbors, too, and he was excited to go on his first "American" hiking expedition.

I loved seeing things through his perspective and getting to talk to him a lot more. He thought the scenery was still very natural, and he was perplexed how there didn't seem to be a leader of the group, but we all just went with the flow. He and I had some great conversations about the truth and culture. We also got to teach him how to make his first smore, which was a delight!

Although classes and work can often be frustrating, it's moments like roasting a marshmallow over burning coals in the middle of the woods that can put everything into perspective.

Exploring an old quarry at McCormick's Creek.

Bingjing roasting his first marshmallow!

Cindy and Bingjing putting the smore together.